Thursday, November 15, 2012

A FUN WAY TO SPEND AN EVENING AT HOME IS TO MAKE COFFEE AT MIDNIGHT AND HOLD YOUR PEE IN UNTIL DAWN



Hey! What's up? No. No, I can't. Sorry. I'm busy. I'm working! I'm writing! I'm starting to. No you can't. I'm doing a mask. Mayonnaise! In my hair! Yeah. Oh, just reading my horoscope. The usual. Well, it says I'm really emotional this week, which is actually so true. Mercury left my sign today. It's the planet of communication. No, but it might just be because I'm supposed to get my period. No, I'm skipping it again. Yeah, like five months! No, it's totes healthy. I read it online. No you won't. I won't let you. I can't wash my hair for another, like, hour. No, but then I have to put egg in it. For split ends! Color damage. I will not. I will not shave. I will not shave my head again. You know the last time I didn't get laid for like a year. Oh, ha, ha. I go on dates sometimes. I don't have to tell you everything. Who? The one with the thing? No, he never called me. I think he has a girlfriend! I know! So hot. Yeah. Really good.Yeah. Sad. Well, what else could it be? Huh? I don't know! When were you born? Shut up, I usually don't read this shit. I need guidance! It's like, even atheists believe in God before they die. My grandmother told me. No, she's alive. Huh? It feeds my roots. Essential oils. I read it online. It's replenishing. Moisture. The smell? It makes me hungry, actually. I can't. I already did. I binged, basically. Huh? Cauliflower. Yeah, the whole head. No but I read online a whole head of cauliflower only has 200 calories. Yeah! Yeah, and it has tons of fiber, so I'll poop. Oh, much better. Oh, I'm almost regular! Like, almost once a day now. I know. So lucky. I can't imagine how I was living before. Uh, wait. Hold on! Ok. Yeah. Yeah I just got mayonnaise on the phone. Look, I have to go. No, I can't! Not even. I have to write. Yeah I'm starting! No, I don't know. Not yet. I'm brainstorming. Well it's hard coming up with, look, it's dripping down my neck. I gotta go. No! I told you. Wait, you're a Taurus, right? Yeah, it says you're sad, too. 

3 comments:

  1. this could be published somewhere, like a magazine.

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  2. I thought the title meant that you have a big announcement to do, like "omg I'm going to ANTM next year" or "omg I'm working for Bullet Magazine now", but nope, it's only about coffe :(

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  3. Are you really all obsessed that much with danielle? You are shocking man

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