Sunday, December 30, 2012

New Year's Sexolutions




What are your plans for New Year’s Eve? Are you doing something exciting? Have you picked out a sequined cocktail dress and ordered your cocaine? Are you attending an exclusive party on a fancy resort in Morocco? Or are you still stuck on “Christmas Vacation” at your parents home? Will you ring in the new year with your evil uncle? Spend it snorting your mom’s valium pills? Or are you hooking up with your long-lost high school lover?

It doesn’t matter, because The Rule of New Year’s Eve is that whatever you do won’t meet your expectations. And boy, are there expectations! You’ve got to have fun! You have to look great! You absolutely must kiss somebody at midnight (if you don’t you will die)! There’s so much pressure to do it right because astrologers, scientists and your grandmother have all confirmed that what you do on New Year’s will set the tone for the next year. It’s true! Like, we all know that if you have sex on New Year’s that means you’ll be getting lucky for the next twelve months-and if you don’t, you won’t-so I’ve made a point of getting laid every NYE since I lost my virginity (back when there were dinosaurs and Britney Spears wasn’t on meds).

But this year I won’t be able to! Because this NYE I’ll be in DC watching The Hobbit with my sister, spending those Important Hours eating popcorn and predicting the future. What will 2013 be like? Will Lana Del Rey get pregnant? Will Miley Cyrus come out of the closet? Will Milan finally get a Starbucks? Will my dog learn to love me? 

Continue reading/Google Translating on Vice Italy ;)

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