Sunday, December 30, 2012

TEA'S TOP 100

We all know that saying, "you can never go home again," but do we know what it means? And is it true? I don't think so. I think you can go home again, but you can't do so without gaining ten pounds and losing your will to wash your face or wipe after using the bathroom. For the first time in almost a year I'm in walking distance of a refrigerator that's full of food that doesn't belong to my roommates and therefore is fair game for me and by "walking distance" I mean "walking distance for my mother because she serves it to me." And we all know nothing goes with food like television! I haven't had a TV around me in a non-bar situation since February, so I'm pretty psyched to be catching up on it, HOWEVER I'm currently watching VHI's 100 Greatest Women In Music and I'm Just. Shocked. Because according to VH1:

Hayley Williams is greater than Kim Gordon?
Kelly Clarkson is better than Shanya Twain?
Ke$ha is more relevant than Courtney Love?!
MARIAH CAREY is even comparable to LADY GAGA?! *faints*

Y'ALL. This is UN. ACCEPTABLE. It's just, NO. Who is making these lists? A teenage intern? An anxious hamster? An morbidly obese pug? 



No, pugs would know better. But VH1 doesn't, and I don't want them tainting the minds of their viewers! So here's the new list. Here's the REAL list:

The Top 100 Women In Music, 
According to Me And Therefore Everyone.

100: Mandy Moore ("Candy" gave me Anorexia)
99: Dolly Parton (it takes a lot of money to look this deep)
98: Anyone who came in #2 on American Idol
97: The Other Destiny's Child(s)



96: The Illiterate Spice Girl
95: The Bulimic Spice Girl
94: The Psychotic Spice Girl
93: The Black Spice Girl
92: The Gay Spice Girl

(as seen left-right duh)


91: Britney Spears (rags to riches to rags #heartwarming)
90: Lindsay Lohan (#relevant)




89: Paris Hilton



88: Kim Kardashian (bye haters)
87: Brandy And Monica (the boy is not even that cute)
86: Vintage Xtina (when she was skinnie)
85: Vintage Jewel (when she was homeless)
84: Vintage Miley (when she was slutty)



83: Fiona Apple ("Criminal" = good for Stripping + #thinspiration)
82: The Red Aunts (songs about poisoning boyfriends)
81: Dixie Chicks (songs about killing ex-husbands)
80: Nicole Westbrook (songs about killing yourself)




79: Aaliyah (first girlcrush via wearing man pants, RIP babygurl)
76: Lil' Kim (first sex pos influence + #slutspiration)
77: Paula Abdul (straight up now tell me where you buy tights)
79: Eve (boob paws = bestiality or body art? who cares?)
78: Brody Dalle (cool via breaking Tim Armstrong's heart #lol)
77: Cyndi Lauper (songs about masturbation)
76: The Puta from The Divinyls (songs about masturbation)
75: Tori Amos (songs about masturbation)
74: Missy Elliot (trashbag fashun and #fatspiration)
73: Kim Deal (boned her bandmates #win)



72: Kim Gordon (didn't bone anyone #sorry)



71: Saoirse Wall 



70:
69:
68:
67:
66: sigh
65: Tajci (Balkan Bitches FTW)



64:
63:
62:
61:
60: idk
59:
58:
57:
56:
55:
54:
53:
52: Beyonce
51:
50:
49:
48:
47:
46:
45:
44: wat am i doing
43:
42:
41:
40: Coco



39:
38:
37:
36: 
35:
34: Jojo
33:
32:
31:
30:
29:
28:
27:
26:
25: this isn't fun anymore
24:
23:
22:
21:
20:
19:
18: Lydia Lunch (I have touched her)



17: Courtney Love (life coach + I touched her too)
16: Gwen Stefani (spiritual leader + will touch her one day)



15: Lady Gaga in "Beautiful, Dirty, Rich"
14: Lady Gaga in "Just Dance"
13: Lady Gaga in "Poker Face"
12: Lady Gaga in "Eh, Eh, (Nothing Else I Can Say)"
11: Lady Gaga in "Love Game"
10: Lady Gaga in "Paparazzi"
9: Lady Gaga in "Bad Romance"
8: Lady Gaga in "Telephone"
7: Lady Gaga in "Alejandro"
6: Lady Gaga in "Born This Way"
5: Lady Gaga in "Judas"
4: Lady Gaga in "The Edge Of Glory"
3: Lady Gaga in "Marry The Night"
2: Lady Gaga in "You And I"
1: Lady Gaga in "Cake"



(Honorable Mentions: Madonna, Cher, and Prince)


YOU'RE WELCOME

5 comments:

  1. Gwen is my spiritual leader too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. of course kim gordon banged thurston moore what are u talking about

    ReplyDelete