Thursday, June 28, 2012

SEXY STAYCATION

I may or may not have told y'all already I'm staying in Milan All Summer Long and while some of y'all are probably like, "that sucks so much dude no swimming or margaritas or sunburn or whatever" I'm more thinking like, this will be the best ~Staycation~ evz. 

Monday, June 25, 2012

AND THE POST FASHON WEEK POST

Wow guys, what a weekend! This Men's fashion week proved to be pretty LOLZ and I'm here to tell y'all why :@) It all started via my ~Super Mood~ on Friday I had via nailing five exams last week and feeling really ~accomplished~ and whatever and anyway any weekend that starts with Total Look Leopard Print can't go wrong AMIRIGHT?



I'm pictured above standing in front of the Triennale museum, where a short film I had made for Diane Pernet was being shown so I made basically all of my best friends come with me and tell me how awesome I am the whole time. Here's the film being shown on the Big Screen:



And here's the ~actual~ film:


Later that night we went to Punks Wear Prada where I fell down the stairs and found a few Hot Punks who don't wear Prada and probably didn't get cast to walk in the show but will hopefully find some good work in showrooms in a few weeks or whatever.




Filip fit in well with the Boys 




And taught everyone how to breakdance.




The rest of that night was a blur of romance, sex, sandwiches and lots of cheesy regrets.




Saturday I went to the Dolce And Gabbana show dressed as a Boxer on her way to her Grandmother's house after a fight-I say that because under this transparent pink dress I'm wearing head-to-toe Gym Clothes from Nike, which unfortunately can't be seen via my camera's Aggressive Flash, which is super annoying but at least washes my ~horrible~ eye wrinkles out ;)




Here's some footage from the ~totally brilliant~ show. I honestly never cease to be impressed by Dolce and Gabbana's ability to take the most trashy, lolz, hopeless things and turn them into ~art~ that makes you want to run away to the south and get a tan and eat pasta and get pregnant by Mafia Lords. Good job, guys.





Sunday afternoon Filip and I met at the supermarket between our apartments and drank coffee and champagne on the street in preparation for another Big Night. (It should be noted that here Filip is wearing his Home-Made Miss Universe Dress, which I'm assuming was inspired by Big Bang Theory and dedicated to Sheldon Cooper):



Filip and I had time to kill so before going to our party we took a bus to our favorite bar. (It should be noted here that I look like a Drag Queen and not a very successful one, at that):



Filip and I spent some time at our Chinese Bar which used to be famouz via it being Where Everyone From Plastic Would Come To Hang Out but now that Plastic has moved and basically doesn't even exist now nobody comes to the Chinese Bar anymore and the guys that work there were so happy to see us that they even gave us free drinks.




During our time there, Filip made me feel lots of ~things~ 




*THINGS*




Filip is good at telling stories and dropping Drama Bombs and Making You Feel Emotional so if you're with him let your heart and your face muscles beware.




Here's when things got LOLZ: at last night's Dolce and Gabbana party they were PLAYING THE F'ING SOCCER GAME. On the big screen. To a bunch of fashion people. And when I complained about it to basically everyone from Anna Dello Russo to Anna Wintour to my Mom on the phone they were like, "it's culture, it's football, it can't be ignored," and I was all, "if it's culture and football it should ONLY EVER be ignored!" *Cries, smashes Belvedere bottle on Stefano Gabbana's shoe*




So while the game went on Filip and I listened to "Baby's on Fire" on my ipod and pretended we weren't there. We also decided the song would be much better if it were about an actual baby on fire.




Thankfully someone finally hit the ball into something and everyone screamed and basically pooped their pants and FINALLY the band/singers/music started and everything was sparkly and amazing and beautiful and we all got so sweaty and gross and happy and we all danced until we cried.



The party ended around two and I guess we had nowhere to go and no way to get there so as usual I just found the ~Hottest Dudes There~ and made them take us home with them so I could hit on them and drink their vodka and talk to their bugs or whatevz.



Filip just slept on the couch the whole time but I even got both their phone numbers ;)




And stole some guy's face masks, obvi.




And blah blah blah and whatever whatever whatever and then I woke up.



Wednesday, June 20, 2012

PERFUME THE NIGHT

Made this video this morning for an exam I'm having this afternoon and like, I'm pretty sure I'm either gonna fail or get a job offer from D AND G like, now.


Sunday, June 17, 2012

AND THE NEVER ENDING PAIN

Hey guys! Tomorrow my [semi-final] exams ~finally~ start and I have like a few thousand to do and I'm only now finishing ONE of them and I don't really know, y'all, like, I was supposed to design a shoe/bag collection based on "SOMETHING" so I just based it on myself/my blog, because, really, WHAT ELSE IS THERE and so I did that and I wrote little catalogue-esque blurbs for each shoe even though the professor doesn't understand English and nobody will ever appreciate the werk I put into this crap so anyway I'm just gonna show y'all ~some~ of it so I feel at least some kind of ~validation~ for what I've been doing because obviously I'm gonna fail. Also, Kanye, I know you're reading this and please don't steal my ideas [again]. 











I made 75 of these so y'all should THANK me for not posting all of them. And sorry, Mom, for the boobs.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

ENGAGEMENT PARTY

Little Miley is all grown up and ready to make an Honest Woman of herself and she's invited her closes putas to celebrate. 


IN WHICH I'M YOUR NEW DESKTOP BACKGROUND

Hey Y'all, Worst Blogger Evz here, I know. It's been tough getting Inspired lately, as all of my wigs are suffering in the heat of my closet and refuse to speak to me or give me ideas! Not only that, but I've been hella depressed  busy! Like, finding time between trying not to fail college, designing a collection of stripper shoes, slapping myself in the face via trying to kill mosquitos and looking for an Online Boyfriend to be obsessed with me is almost impossible! So tonight I'm just here to share some news: a lil film I made called "Destiny" got accepted to the A Shaded View On Fashion Film Festival (*applause*) which is very exciting and if y'all will be in Milan during that crap you should come with "Oh Yes We Tea" signs and gifts of diamonds. I can't post the video here YET because Kanye West will steal my ideas but here's some screen shots from it of me being hella cute in a bathing suit made out of fabric with me on it being hella cute or whatevz. 





PS- I'm gonna make a new video for y'all tomorrow and I'm going to try to write more often I SWEAR.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

IT'S MY P**SY I CAN CRY IF I WANT TO

PMS came early this month and everything is the worst.


CLA$$ TV

So yesterday I was interviewed for Class TV which is some Italian Satellite channel I haven't watched because I don't own a TV so I Googled it and didn't find much about it either meaning it's probably just made-up but anyway these putas wanted me to talk about my writing/sex life/dating/whatevz and they told me to wear something "particular" so I dressed like an 18 Year Old Girl going to a New Jersey Prom and answered a bunch of Personal Questions I'll probably regret answering but at least my Italian is bad so probz nobody will understand.




They also took me to some Concept Store and got me to try on these clothes that made my T&A look really good but they were expensive so I asked the store owners what would happen if I just ran out of the store and they said they'd shoot me.




And when I took the clothes off I felt depressed. 

MARTA'S MUFFINS



This week for SWIDE I wrote about my Ex-Roommate and Current Friend, Marta Stella. She's a journalist for Marie Claire and I'm convinced her life is like The Devil Wears Prada so I took her to a crap bar across from McDonald's, ordered whiskey and pizza and asked her about her writing, feminism and GIRLS vs SATC. Read it HERE. 

Monday, June 4, 2012

ONE NIGHT IN FILIP

My friends say I take bad pictures. They say I "make people look ugly." They say I "make them look fat." They think I do it via being "really untalented." But the truth is I do it on purpose. I've been training for my Future Job. What they don't know is I want to be a Paparazzi. And now that I'm done with classes I can finally Fulfill This Dream. 

My first subject is Filip Adrian Dziegielewski: Famous Artist, Fad Diet Expert and Inventor of Words ("Wowschwitz" (wow + Auschwitz), "Trad" (true + sad), "Sadmazing" (sad + amazing), etc). I spot him on the streets of Milan on his way to a party and Don't Leave His Side.

Filip isn't happy to see me. I caught him at a bad time. It's a bad time because he sat down too fast and has wrinkled his Zara Marni suit. 
Filip threatens to steal my Furla Prada bag. "Leave me alone or I burn this," he warns. "Go ahead, that bag was free."
Filip doesn't laugh. He doesn't respond. But his eyes say, "Everything I want I have. Money, Notoriety and Rivieras."
Filip is the new face of Nike. He's wearing shoes that Lady Gaga, the Queen of England and Kanye West are still waiting to touch. Rumor has it that having sex with these shoes can cure AIDS. They also glow in the dark. Taxis stop to have a look. Cars crash, children cry, chaos breaks out on the streets. The Peasants Rejoice.
Filip wants to buy candy.
"How dare you judge me," he asks through his shame.
Filip is exercising his facial muscles in preparation for his upcoming Botox Work.  
Rumor has it that he wants to look like Pamela Anderson or Lady Gaga or President Obama or a Cat. 
The Pope is in town this week and Filip is going to meet him. Filip doesn't really want to meet the Pope but the Pope has been sexting him all month and Filip feels like it would only be polite to show him some attention, I mean, he's a pretty old guy and probably very insecure. Filip practices his "Nice To Meet You" face.
And his "How dare you you you don't know me you have no idea where I came from where I've been how long I've been there what I had to do to get from where I was to where I am now!!!" exit.
Filip has met with the Pope and says he "doesn't want to talk about it." 
Rumor has it he's been possessed. 
Rumor has it the Pope gave him a camera so he can "capture my soul."
Rumor has it the Pope gave him a new friend to replace me. Rumor has it that new friend is Kirsten Dunst. Rumor has it she's sleeping with your husband. 
Lots of things happen and everything is very exciting.
Filip returns to Villa in Kosovo and says, "My future is so bright I have to put sunglasses on just to think about it."



Friday, June 1, 2012

IN WHICH I HAVE NO PURPOSE

Today was my Last Day of School. 


I don't mean like, for this summer, or just till exams start, or just till I FEEL LIKE going back. I mean like, forever. Today was my LAST DAY of school.


So it was a big deal. So obviously I dressed up. I dressed up like a Real Lady. I wore a yellow long dress and pearls and my sister's old heels. I didn't curse all day and I kept my legs crossed when I sat and I didn't pick my wedgies [in public].


I thought it would be an Important Day. I thought it would Make Me Feel Different. I thought Something Would Happen. But, as when picking boys to screw or fad diets to try-my expectations were wrong. No message from God, no Big Revelation, not even a Kanye West retweet. I feel the same-and I am the same-only now, I'm also a #LOSER.


I hate school but I love being a student. It's an excuse to be delusional, do nothing all day, act pretentious and spend your Mom's money. It's an excuse to say "I don't know yet" when people ask you "what you do." It's an excuse to blindly believe you'll be successful and not in the "I have lots of tumblr followers" kinda way.


I still have exams and a thesis to do but it's like, my ~Student Life~ is over. Which means I need a Real Job ("freelance writing" doesn't count). Which means I need to learn how to speak to people without winking at them all the time. Which means I need to stop saying "LOLZ." Which means I need to stop posting pictures of my butt on the internet. Which means I need to learn how to use a stapler-at least until I find someone who is willing to pay me to Just Be Myself




Anyway, what I'm really trying to say is, now that I don't have to go to classes (and assuming I'll be unemployed for long) that means I'll have more time to write on here because I haven't really done that in months and anyway we all know I won't be using my extra time to send out resumes to Prada or MtvItalia or Burger King. Because I don't have one. But I do have the will to write. And so from now on I promise that once again I'll tell y'all all about what I think about Beyonce's Baby or Rihanna's new butt or the boys I'm dating or how I leave things at their apartments to have a reason to come back and how when they don't let me come back I leave messages on their answering machines whispering Beyonce's "Why Don't You Love Me." (This is, of course, assuming I haven't forgotten how to write *stabs hand with pencil, curses God*)




ANYWAY. To celebrate my new Freedom/The End of My Life, tonight I'm going out dressed as a Professional Boxer In Her Dressing Room After a Hard Fight and Before a Blind Date




Maybe I'll find a job.