Wednesday, July 25, 2012

GROUPIES (EPISODE ONE)

So the Zero + Mika Google+ Hangout kind of turned out to be a disaster via technical difficulties BUT for the first episode I guess it was OK and anyway he was super cute and nice and answered my questions about Kanye West Drama Bombs and agreed that he should start more scandals and tabloid drama himself, etc. Anyway, here's my first groupie video, it's in Italian so most of y'all won't understand but at least you can look at me, which, admit it, is the main reason you're here. 

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

GROUPIES MIKA AND GOOGLE +

Hey y'all I've got some exciting news and this time it ain't about my hair! Tomorrow on Zero's Google+ Page there's gonna be the first of a series of "hangouts" they're hosting which will feature videos made by Zero And Company and tomorrow MIKA will be there with us and I'll be interviewing him! 





Not only that, but the first of my 8 "Rock N Roll Girls" Videos in which I discuss groupies/punk rock girls will be streaming as well! 




So tomorrow from 12:30 PM (European Time) y'all should "hangout" with us on Google + and let me know how amazing I am and make fun of Mika and stuff! See y'all there! 




PS- Don't worry, I've never Google+ "hung out" either but I hear it's "just like Skype, with more nerds." 

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Thursday, July 19, 2012

LOVE LETTERS FROM LJUBLJANA

I'm in Ljubljana and everyone's ignoring me so I'm just writing to myself. 



Dear Tea, 
How are you?
I just made it to Slovenia!
My trip was pretty fun. 
You know my favorite part?
Going through security.
Because, 
When we all have to put our crap in a box,
I always look to see,
That my box of crap
Going through the X-Ray machine
Is chicer than the rest of them.
And usually, it is.
So the people in line behind me,
They check out my box,
And I think that they're jealous.
Isn't that a great?
Anyway.
It's pretty here, 
And by "pretty,"
I mean,
PRETTY BORING. 
They don't have a Starbucks.
Or real WIFI cafes,
Or even a Pizza Hut.
But I mean, at least it's clean.
It's like, very clean.
Like, I feel like I'm in a bleach commercial.
Or an ad for fabric softener.
Or teeth whitening strips.
I mean,
What should I do here?
Any suggestions?
What's new with you?
I miss you!  
Tea


Dear Tea,
So nice to hear from you!
I'm glad you made it there safely.
Yeah I TOTALLY know what you mean,
About security,
It's like, the best part!
And like,
What's the point of taking your stuff off,
And arranging it all in a box,
Unless the result will look like,
I don't know,
A Vogue editorial,
Or the cover of I-D Magazine, 
Shot by Matthew Stone?
Anyway.
I heard Slovenia is pretty.
You're in Ljubljana, right?
I went there once.
I think Slovenians are kind of funny. 
I mean, they're similar to us, 
They're kinda like Croatians.
But, like, there's just something off.
Something's just too perfect.
It's almost as if they're robots,
Or extras in the Truman Show,
Walking around with nowhere to go.
Pretty sure none of them have jobs.
Nothing new here,
Love you, miss you!
xoxo
Tea
PS-You're looking so hot in your last pictures #jealz




Tea!
Yeah, I totally know what you mean!
Slovenians seem too calm, 
As if all they do all day is wash their whites,
While drinking warm milk with honey,
And watching Ex-Yugo cartoons.
But I think we're wrong, 
In a way,
I think we need to remember,
The thing about Croatians is,
We know how to look super busy. 
We know how to seem totally stressed out,
And how to act really upset.
We walk down the street cursing, 
Sweating, 
Sighing, 
Yelling.
Which makes us look like we're working.
Which makes us look like we have jobs,
And a purpose,
But really, 
We don't.
Usually, 
We're just drunk,
Or bored,
Or broke.
Actually, Slovenia has the Euro, you know? 
So that means they must have jobs.
Anyway, what have you been up to?
I miss you so much!
XO
Tea
PS-Thanks! I've been working out and I can't eat gluten anymore, which is actually OK because that's what Miley Cyrus does and she's lost a ton of weight, she's basically all collar bones now ;)


Hey Tea,
I know what you mean.
Croatians are basically 
The George Costanzas 
Of the world.
Which is great,
Because,
He's my favorite character.
But some people don't like him. 
But those people are idiots.
You ask what I've been up to?
Nothing.
Re-watching "GIRLS" 
And "Two Broke Girls" 
And "The New Girl,"
Thinking, "What's up with all these GIRLS?"
LOL
Speaking of GIRLS I just followed Lena Dunham on Twitter,
She's not as funny as I hoped.
Love and Kisses X
Tea
PS-Yeah gluten-free is hella hard but I hear that it does wonders!
PPS-I head Miley Cyrus wants a baby already, WHAT'S WRONG WITH EVERYONE? 




Hay Tea,
I think I found what I'm gonna do here today,
I mean,
I still haven't found a WIFI cafe,
Or any cool bars or whatever,
But I heard that they have a ZARA here,
So I guess I'll just go there,
And try on clothes,
And pretend that I'm in Milan.
And then maybe,
If I'm not too worn out,
I'll walk around,
In a circle, 
Trying to fit in with These Guys.
I hope you're well,
I'll see you soon,
Good luck with Lena Dunham.
LOVE you!
Tea
PS-Don't worry about Miley, it's her fault if she wants to ruin her career. 

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

AN ODE TO FATTI BURKE (OR HOW I GOT MY NEW BANNER)

Fatti Burke,
Your name is funny.
Because,
You are not "Fatty"
In fact, 
(In fat, lol),
You are very slender 
And beautiful.
Not that
I have
Anything
Against
Fat girls,
Or whatevz.


Fatti Burke,
You live in Dublin,
And I have never been there.
But I think
They drink
Lots of Beer.
Which I don't really like (it makes me bloated)
But I do
Like you,
Fatti Burke.
And I like your shorts.



Fatti Burke,
You've made
My new Blog Banner
Which is the New Banner For My Blog,
And for that I am grateful.
Because,
It's beautiful.
And,
Fatti Burke,
So Are You.




Fatti Burke,
Thank you.
I Love You.

Monday, July 16, 2012

PRECUM DRESS

Hey Y'all! I'm in London after having a pretty dramatic travel experience via having a salad and a weird coffee drink before my flight which didn't really mix well so when I sat down in the airplane I realized I'd probably get diarrhea and then I realized I probably already had it but when I tried to get up the flight attendant didn't wanna let me use the bathroom because the seat belt signs were still on and I was like BUT IT'S AN EMERGENCY and she was like BUT THESE ARE THE RULES and I was like I'LL SHOW YOU RULES and whatever anyway somehow I got here and went to sleep immediately because spending an entire airplane ride in the toilet is exhausting but then yesterday I went to a beauty supply shop and got a new wig and makeup and nail polish and now I kinda look like your Spanish Aunt or that Lady Who Gave You STDs or like Tyra Banks or The Nanny.




Then today I watched the new Breaking Bad episode with my Facebook Friend Recently Turned Real Life Friend, Devonte Hynes, best known for his Google Search Results 




and his ~Music~




and after we watched Breaking Bad together I felt really close to him so we talked about whats Important To Us so I talked about Lady Gaga and it turns out he's never seen "Marry The Night" so I made him watch it for the first time and I told him that if he wants to be a musician he has to like it and then our friend Matthew made fun of me for saying that because apparently he Already Is A Musician but if he hasn't seen that video yet then obviously not. 



So far he says it's OK.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Saturday, July 7, 2012

TEA'S WEB


"No, I can't even get out of bed...yeah, I wish you were here, too."

How many times a day does Tea talk to her Mother? Today I've counted 7. I think maybe they only talk so often when Tea is home sick, however the way they talk proves otherwise. I'd like to talk to my Mom, too, but I don't know her. I was only told she had a hard childbirth-exploded, actually.

"Yeah, I made a Doctor's appointment for Friday so hopefully I'll get some antibiotics. But Mom, my foot is also swollen, what do you think that is?"

Tea's foot. Look, I was only trying to comfort her. She's been so sick and sad and yet she's been so nice to me, letting me sleep on the big plastic fan by her bed, looking at me and saying "hello" to me and talking to me between swigs of cough syrup and packs of Aspirin and episodes of "Damages." I say "hello" back to her but she doesn't hear me. 

"Yeah it itches, too. But it mostly hurts."

I stay in one place during the day, because, when I don't, it makes Tea nervous. She wants to know where I am. That's part of our deal. I don't move, and she lets me stay. So I don't make her scared. So I wait until she falls asleep before I go exploring. I like crawling around her shoes, eating any dust left between the laces, finding crumbs under her bed and her Sewing Machine. When I finish eating I settle in and read some of her books. My favorites are the ones with pictures.

"I don't know, it looks like a huge pimple without the white part or like a mosquito bite but like a gazillion times bigger?"

Then, just before sunrise, I crawl around on her, gently, so she doesn't wake up. I whisper jokes into her ear, and play with her hair. I try to hug her, but she's too big. I try to kiss her, but I can only bite-not hard, just enough to sample. She tastes like sunscreen and hairspray.

Tea looks to the fan and greets me in the morning, "Hey little guy! How are we doing today?" She raises the pitch of her voice, like some weird baby, when she talks to me. And anyway, I'm not that little. "You're looking extra yellow and cute today, yesyouareeee!"

Tea gets up a few times a day, to pee, shower and eat. And when she walks around she groans like an old woman. I don't like her like this. She seems mad.

"It's so fucking hot," she warns me, turning up the fan. "I hope you can hold on, dude."

I smile at her and tighten my grip as the fake wind blows on me harder. I try to look as comfortable as possible. I'm not really comfortable. But I love Tea's company, and I know she loves mine. So I suffer through it.

"I'm going to the Doctor, be here when I get back." 

She turns the fan off and leaves. I know I can't be here when she gets back. I know that, when she learns The News, she'll be instructed to kill me.

My kisses have made Tea's foot very swollen the past few days, to the point where she can't walk without crying. I feel bad about this, I didn't mean to hurt her, and if I could take it back, I would. The last thing I would ever want to do is cause my Tea pain. Till now she's thought the swelling was somehow related to her fever, or some allergy, or, some inside joke I don't understand, something about a boy being "unprotected." Either way, our entire relationship was relying on Tea never knowing The Truth. Which is why, the moment she mentions the Doctor, I know that it's over for good.

I make my way down the fan, as big, fat tears roll down my face. These days with Tea were the Best Days Of My Life and knowing I'll never have that again makes me hopeless. There's no point to go on anymore. 

"Hey! Where are you?"

Tea's home and though I'd give anything to just have her talk to me again or even just say hi to me or even just let me watch her watch TV Shows I know I've got to hide to survive. Quickly, through my tears, I manage to find a small, dark corner by her bed where I curl myself up.

"The little bastard isn't anywhere! He was always on my fan before, and now he's gone!" Tea's yelling, of course to her Mom. Such a shame, I wanted her Mom, "Mama," to like me. Nice lady, I saw her face on Skype.

"Where am I supposed to sleep? I can't have him crawling all over me again-ugh, just the thought creeps me out!"

I feel hurt as I watch Tea take her sheets and pillows into one of the other rooms in the apartment and slam the door shut behind her. I try to recall how things Were Before, as I cry myself to sleep.

Monday, July 2, 2012

GAZZA GAZZA HAY

So last Sunday, if y'all remember, Filip and I got hella wasted at a DolceGabbana party and ended up at home with Two Hot Hotties and though one of them went back to Berlin the next day (#sad) the other one stayed around and let me interview him for my Swide  column because he's a musician and dresses pretty well and has a pretty cute haircut so anyway y'all can read the article HERE



Sunday, July 1, 2012

IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE SO HIGHLIGHT ALL YOUR WOES

Today's the Hottest Day of The Year in Milan and I don't have air-conditioning (this isn't AMERICA OK) and I can't go out to anywhere that does have air-conditioning because tonight is the Last Game of the World Cup and Italy is in The Finals and whether they Win or Lose I'll probably get slaughtered on the streets so that means I have to stay in but it's too hot in my room to even move or breathe even though I have a fan because all the fan is really doing is blowing mosquitos into my face and messing up all of my wigs. 



Anyway I doubt I'm the only one suffering like this (though my suffering is the most important suffering) so here's a 

List Of Things To Do In ~Alphabetical Order~ When It's Too Dangerous To Go Outside Or Too Hot To Get Out Of Your Chair:


Ask your roommate to bring you a cold wet towel and then ask him to put it in your hand and then ask him to move your hand towards his face and then slap him in the face with it. 


Bid on shit on ebay, not because you have a job/money (LOL) but just to jack up the price on things so you can laugh at the pathetic losers who will now spend 500 Euros on a pair of British Flag Converse or 5,000 on a Crappy Coach purse. 


Call your Ex-Boyfriend and tell him you want him back and when he responds, "I want you back too you're the best thing that ever happened to me I don't know what I was thinking when I left you for my girlfriend," invite him over to your place and tell him to bring condoms and Chinese Food.


Dump your Ex-Boyfriend after y'all have makeup sex and tell him to "Get The Hell Out" when he says he loves you but don't let him take the Chinese Food with him, you want to throw it away yourself, how dare he think you're eating carbs.


Eat the Chinese Food Face-Down via a Pie-Eating-Contest.


Finish all of it and cry.


Grab the fat rolls on your stomach.


Hate yourself.




Inspire yourself to lose weight via watching ~only~ the first and last "Simple Life" episodes. 


Jeopardize your Love Life via creating a Secret Sex Blog and posting your dirtiest secrets on it and accidentally "leaking" the link to the guy you're dating and "actually really like" or whatevz.


Keep still for as long as possible until the mosquitos in your room bite away half of your body weight.


Laugh hysterically.


Make yourself watch a "Classic Movie" for tomorrow's History of Cinema exam even though it's unbearable.




Neglect your studies.


Order Pizza and wait for the Pizza Delivery Guy wearing only a bathrobe and heels and ask him, when he comes, to bring the pizza to you (remember you can't get out of your chair) and ask him if he wants to see what's under your robe and when he says "no," throw the pizza in his face and cry hysterically.


Post naked photos online.


Question posting naked photos online.


Regret posting naked photos online.


Save Yourself via "Jesus."




Text your Ex-Boyfriend and tell him you're sorry.


Use him to bring you more Chinese Food.


Vent to your Mom about how fat/single/sad you are until she hangs up on you.


Watch the entire "Popular" series and decide that you want to be like Mary Cherry and then decide that actually you already were Mary Cherry all along.






X is stupid I refuse to find a way to put it into a verb.


Yell at the Football Fans from your balcony because How Dare They enjoy this and How Dare They pretend they like "sports" for any reason other than it being the only way they can mask their Gross Nationalism and mask the fact that all they really wish they could be doing is fighting other countries in actual wars even though they're probably too soft to even "battle" and most of the people on their stupid team aren't even Italians anyway. 


Zone Out or "Pass Out" or just die basically because what else is there to do.