Tuesday, August 28, 2012

GROUPIES PART FOUR

This one's good cuz I'm drunk in it ;@)

TEA'S TACOS

The year is 2005 and it's Summer. I am 17 years old. I have short brown hair, over-plucked eyebrows, spiky hip bones and clumpy mascara. I'm studying for my SATs and taking remedial Pre-Calculus because I failed it Junior Year. I'm in tights even though it's 100 degrees out because I think my legs look fat. I'm volunteering at a Bookstore. 



The Bookstore is called "Internationalist Books" and it's located on Franklin Street. I work there five days a week, from 10:00AM to 5:00PM. The job is easy and fun, aside from when I have customers. I don't know how to use the cash register. So I give away some things for free. I don't tell anybody about this. 

I take a bus from my neighborhood to get there every morning because I can't drive. My Boyfriend usually drives me everywhere. It's our second year together, and We're In Love. He works at a cafe down the street. I visit him there all the time. But when I'm not visiting him, I'm meeting someone else. The Guy I Used To Be Obsessed With. He works at The Comic Book Shop. I was in love with him for three years. I think that he liked me too, but now he has a girlfriend. His Shop is across the street from my Bookstore, next to the Greek Restaurant. During Lunch I run over to meet him, leaving the Bookstore unlocked. But I'm not worried. Nobody will come in, and if they do, they won't steal. We have like five customers a day. And they're hippies. This Bookstore is kind of unpopular. Because this Bookstore specializes in Lesbian Erotica, Transexual Fashion, Socialist Propaganda, Farming Tutorials, Yoga Instructions, and of course, Vice Magazine. So when I'm not calling my Boyfriend or running to the Comic Shop or buying Diet Coke at McDonald's I'm obsessing over this new Vice. It's the first time I've ever seen it and I think it's ~fantastic~ and I imagine the people writing for it are these interesting and worldly people who must lead fulfilling, hilarious lives. And I'm jealous of them. 

And so if someone had told That Tea, 17 Year Old Tea, that one day, she'd have her Very Own Column for Vice, for Italian Vice, and that she could write about whatever she wants, she'd be super excited. 



Excited, because that's so f'ing cool man and also because I don't even know I know how to write yet I only write like essays on Shakespeare for Ms. Parker even though I never even really read all of it because WHO DOES, you know? But I'd also probably be confused. Italy?

Welcome To My Column: Read It HERE.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

MOTHER MONSTER'S BABY MONSTER

We've all heard the rumors. We're all afraid and confused. 



We feel betrayed, left out and let down by Gaga's uterus. Could this be real? And what does it mean? How will this affect Our Lives? What will she wear 8 months in? Will her ankles get fat? Will her next album be inspired by placenta? There's only one way to find out! ... Watch if you dare !!!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

I LOVE YOU AND I'M CREEPY

Today started like any other day. I awoke from a nightmare,



I thought about sex 



and ate a Fiber-Rich, Healthy Breakfast. 



Like any other day, I took my birth control, fish oil and vitamin pills, examined myself naked in a full-length mirror, cried, took a nap, woke up and finally sat down at My Macbook Pro to use The Internet, aka send my Dad animal memes on Facebook 






and wait for him to approve.



Just as I was about to harass my Mom on Skype, I saw something new. Something exciting. Shit Just Got Real, you guys. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw this ~Glam~ Work Of Art and one simple, important message:


A Beautiful Bubblegum Princess made this for me and now I guess I can die ~Satisfied~ despite not yet having graduated from college or figuring out why that Last Guy won't return my calls or even smelling Lady Gaga's perfume. 



So thank you, my Delicate Flower, my Guardian Angel, my Majestic Unicorn. I love you, too.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

GROUPIES PART THREE

Hey Y'all! Here I am just laying in the grass casually discussing punk rock and drug use and getting bitten by bugs and speaking Italian really badly or whatever. 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

HOW TO AVOID SEX BECAUSE DUH

As an official "Sex Columnist" I have more authority than anyone to say that sex is pointless, annoying and dumb. 


It only causes problems and makes you waste time shaving areas that, let's face it, probably shouldn't ever be shaved. So I'm gonna stop having sex and you all should, too. Here's how:

Friday, August 10, 2012

HOW MANY PUTAS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB

You know when you Live With Two Boys but those boys Go On Vacation and so you are Totally Alone but things are going great because you can Have Tons of Guests (Pizza Delivery) and Walk Around The House Naked (Shaping Underwear) and Make Noise All Night (Cry To Your Mom On The Phone) and everything is fantastic and then all of a sudden the light in the Living Room and in Your Bedroom go out? 



Well this is a big problem because you've already been feeling a bit depressed and you've heard that Darkness Makes It Worse and so you want to change the lights immediately and you want to Do This Yourself because you are a Strong Independent Woman and you Don't Need A Man To Help You Do Things because anyway the last Boy You Were Dating fixed your Air Conditioning and after that it All Went To Hell so you want to do this alone but your ceiling is so high and you realize you'd have to stand on something to reach it but are worried that if you do that you'll fall and break your neck and that would be Terrible because Graduation is so close and you still have a bright future and you still need to Move To L.A. and get famous for that Best Selling Book you will write.



And so you ask everyone you know for help. 



But nobody wants to help you.



So you Think On The Bright Side and decide that this way You'll Save Energy and Help The Baby Seals and after a few days you see that you're right and you're right because you are saving energy, because you're saving your own energy, because you are sleeping all day, because the darkness in your room has become a pit of misery and despair and what's the point of even getting up to pee when you don't even have Toilet Paper.



But you're really kind of having an emergency (you've run out of cardboard as well) and so you get up and you put on Some Clothes and you go out Into The Wild and into The Local Grocery Store and you go in and you find the Toilet Paper and a New Light Bulb and also a Can of Beans because you haven't been pooping right lately and you run home and you eat the beans and you use that toilet paper and you feel So Ready to have some Light In Your Life Again and so you move your desk into the center of your room and you take off your shoes and you stand on top of it and you find some ~balance~ and you reach up and you unscrew that old light bulb that died and you throw it on your bed and, ohgod, you're shaking, you must hurry now so you don't fall you will be OK just one last step JUST ONE LAST STEP and you realize now you know how movie stunt doubles feel and then take out that new lightbulb and you put it up to the empty spot the old one left for you to Screw and then you see and then you see and then you see that the lightbulb you bought today is too small.




Sunday, August 5, 2012

Thursday, August 2, 2012

LETTER TO JAN (OR THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU'RE SAD)

Hey Jan! 




How are you?
I hope you're OK.
Look, 
I know I said I'd make a video for you.




And I WANT to.
But like, 
Actually,
I kind of feel shitty.
And I have Some Reasons, but
Mostly I Blame It On Hormones.
(I blame everything on Hormones).
Like, 
I've been doing this thing.
I skip the Placebo Week on my Birth Control Pills.
(The "Placebo Week" is the week where your pills leave room for your period. And I think it's stupid to get your period. You know? So I skip that week).
So I haven't been getting my period.
And I thought that would make me LESS emotional.
But for some reason I'm kind of like,
Sad.
And I feel like,
If I try to make a video now,
I'll just start crying.
And nobody wants to see that.
Well, some people do.
But those people are Assholes.
What I'm saying is,
I will make a video about you.
Because I like you,
And I think people would like you, 
If I told them about
Your Fruit Loops Track Suit
That you used to wear All The Time.
But in the meantime, 
We have to wait,
For my mood to get better.




So Jan, in the meantime,
Here is a 


List of Things To Do When You Are Sad:


1) Watch 100 Greatest Quotes From The Wire.
I've never actually watched The Wire but everyone told me it's really great but I feel like if I start watching it now I'll just never actually start studying for my final exams which are coming up next month and which will basically determine My Future and whether I can leave Milan next Spring (PleaseGod) and whether I'm going to have to ask my parents to Send Me More Crops. Anyway a Friend showed me this video yesterday and watching it made me feel scared.





2) Look At Old Pictures Of Yourself.
And either feel really great about yourself now via not being as embarrassing as you used to be




and/or totally hate yourself for gaining weight since then.




3) Shave Your Legs.
Not that anyone's gonna touch them (*cries*) but because at least this way when you cry yourself to sleep at night it won't be because of the pain you're feeling via poking yourself with your hairs.


4) Sit In A Corner And Stare At The Hairy Patch You Missed Somewhere Close To Your Knee Or Ankle. 
Because Duh.




5) Skype Your Mom.




6) Watch The Olympics And Resent Your Parents For Letting You Quit 4th Grade Basketball Because You Totally Sucked At It Wanted To "Focus On Piano."




7) Eat Your Feelings.




8) Film Yourself Crying And Send The Video To Your Ex-Boyfriend And Get Really Dressed Up And Sit By The Window Waiting For Him To Throw Rocks At The Glass Romantically With A Boom Box Over His Head And A Bucket Of KFC Mashed Potatoes In His Lap. 






9) Watch This When He Doesn't Show Up And Sing Along To It And Cry.




10) Write To Boys You Used To Know.