Friday, September 28, 2012

XTINA IS CHICER THAN YOU

If you haven't seen the new XTINA video, here it is:



And here's why she's Chicer than you:

1) She has an iPhone 6.



2) She's friends with Perez Hilton.



3) Her diet matches her clothes.



4) She's into Interior Design.



5) She's Outdoorsy.



6) She carpools to save the environment.



7) She prefers a man's personality over his looks.



8) She'll Pimp Your Ride.



9) She's a renowned hostess. 



10) She's good at sports.



11) She experiments with Gender Roles.



12) She's good at sharing.



13) She's a talented painter.



14) This fucking thing.



15) She supports local businesses. 



16) She only takes Fashun Showers.



17) She sleeps a healthy 7 hours a day.



18) She's a Rich Bitch.



Thursday, September 27, 2012

SEPTEMBER OUTTAKES

If you know me you know that every month of my life is full of drama bombs, failure and desperation so hard I cry myself to sleep every night. But this month was particularly difficult.

I'm finally finished with classes and taking off to Naples for the week where I'll ~clear my head~ (get mugged) and figure out what I'm ~doing with my life~ (ending it) and afterwards I'll have time to write and post videos of myself talking about myself basically every day.

Till then, here's a recap of this horrid month via photobooth outtakes.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

AN OPEN LETTER TO DOLCE AND GABBANA

Dear Dolce and Gabbana,
How Dare You?
How Dare You not invite me to your last show? 



How Dare You, when every time I attend I always get there on time and come dressed like a Fashun Alien who just descended from a space ship on Earth on a mission to make everyone Chic To Death? How Dare You not invite me, when you know I'm the only reason Bryan Boy comes?

Does this mean I don't work for your Online Magazine anymore?

And if so, How Dare You Fire Me?
How Dare You, when I wrote such sizzling articles about sizzling subjects like pizza artists?



And, Oh My God, How Dare You not let me do any more backstage interviews?



How Dare You, when everyone knows I was so lumping brilliant at them, including David Gandy who couldn't stop sexting me afterwards?

How Dare You.
Is this all because you're jealz that my collection's better than yours?



Or are you just sad that I don't wear your perfume anymore because the scent reminded me of my previous Fashun Showroom Boss who used to terrorize me daily so wearing it gave me PTSD?

Are you trying to tell me something? 
Did I do something wrong?
And even so, How Dare You???
How Dare You take away my bragging rights?

What the hell am I supposed to tell people I do now to make them jealous of me????????

DEAR DOLCE AND GABBANA,

We are Over.

Unless we aren't?
Unless this was all a big mistake?

Unless you actually did send me an invitation to the show and it got stolen by a fashun-obsessed mailman? Or maybe my roommate who actually hates me and wanted to punish me?

Unless y'all will renew my Swide contract and allow me to continue using the pretense of "interviews" to hit on cute boys?



Unless y'all are secretly obsessed with me and your silence has only been y'all playing hard to get

Unless this has all been a game to win my heart?

Because in that case, 

Dolce and Gabbana, 

You HAVE my heart.

You always did.

If you want it, it's yours.

And you can cover it in as much lace, gold and stripes as you want. Because I, too, love Sicilian shit. Or at least, I did once, when I went there to meet the family of a boy I was dating two summers ago, who dumped me two weeks later after I basically broke his toilet via having an internal emergency via his mother's cooking.
#notmyfault



Dear Dolce and Gabbana,
Whatever.
4ever yours,

Tea

Saturday, September 22, 2012

YOU NEED A FASHUN PARTY


"Let's play a drinking game."
"What kind of drinking game?"
"Drink when you see plastic surgery."
"Ok." Filip takes a sip of his Vodka Champagne drink he named Marry The Night.
"I have a better idea," he says, "drink when you see someone hopeless." He drinks again.

It's Fashun Week In Milan and we've just arrived at the Cavalli Party where Anna Dello Russo just finished performing her Fashun Shower song to a crowd of old people with shiny hair and stretchy faces clutching bottles of water and Prada Purses as if their Very Important Lives depended on it. 

These are Important People but sadly most of These People don't even appreciate or even know about the Enormous Golden Shoe displayed in San Babila square for Miss Anna, protected by a huge plastic bubble and a bodyguard in a suit.  

"His feet are so small!" Filip points to the stage, where Roberto Cavalli is speaking. "And he spits when he talks. That's so chic."

Azealia Banks is performing now and nobody cares because Sharon Stone just literally walked into her on the stage very dramatically (think a Lifetime movie starring Naomi Campbell with styling by Tyra Banks and special soundtrack by Evanescence). She's followed by a team of cameramen who push little Azaelia into the corner (hasn't anybody watched Dirty Dancing before? Don't put Putas in corners).

"How rude!" I yell, pushing a girl who later informs we that we are not, in fact, at a punk show, so I step on her dress.

The good thing about Fashun Week Parties is they're so crowded and so loud that you can literally fart as much as you want and nobody will notice. And the other good thing about Fashun Week Parties is finding out how all the different Chanel perfumes smell when mixed together with sweat and also having the opportunity to see people holding iPads into the air to get a picture of someone sitting in a chair in sunglasses. 

Azealia is getting upset that nobody's dancing. And she probably doesn't even know who Sharon Stone is. 

"Sorry I'm so short." She yells, into the mic.
"What the hell?" I yell at Filip, who just threw his glass on the floor.

Azealia's show didn't go too well and neither did that party but at least she got to know some Local Hotties while she was here:



Welcome to Italy babe ;)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

THE CRUMPETS COLLECTIONS SS/FW/666/911/2012

I MADE A HIGH FASHUN VIDEO FOR MY HIGH FASHUN COLLECTION SO PLZ TELL ME IT'S GOOD AND SEND ME MONEY SO I CAN MAKE MORE 

Monday, September 17, 2012

GRLBANDS PART ONE

I have a learning disability and can't speak Italian correctly but in my defense I also had a crush on the guy behind the camera and was super confused.  



PS- are y'all keeping up w/my Vice columns or should I give up.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Monday, September 3, 2012