Sunday, December 30, 2012

TEA'S TOP 100

We all know that saying, "you can never go home again," but do we know what it means? And is it true? I don't think so. I think you can go home again, but you can't do so without gaining ten pounds and losing your will to wash your face or wipe after using the bathroom. For the first time in almost a year I'm in walking distance of a refrigerator that's full of food that doesn't belong to my roommates and therefore is fair game for me and by "walking distance" I mean "walking distance for my mother because she serves it to me." And we all know nothing goes with food like television! I haven't had a TV around me in a non-bar situation since February, so I'm pretty psyched to be catching up on it, HOWEVER I'm currently watching VHI's 100 Greatest Women In Music and I'm Just. Shocked. Because according to VH1:

Hayley Williams is greater than Kim Gordon?
Kelly Clarkson is better than Shanya Twain?
Ke$ha is more relevant than Courtney Love?!
MARIAH CAREY is even comparable to LADY GAGA?! *faints*

Y'ALL. This is UN. ACCEPTABLE. It's just, NO. Who is making these lists? A teenage intern? An anxious hamster? An morbidly obese pug? 



No, pugs would know better. But VH1 doesn't, and I don't want them tainting the minds of their viewers! So here's the new list. Here's the REAL list:

The Top 100 Women In Music, 
According to Me And Therefore Everyone.

100: Mandy Moore ("Candy" gave me Anorexia)
99: Dolly Parton (it takes a lot of money to look this deep)
98: Anyone who came in #2 on American Idol
97: The Other Destiny's Child(s)



96: The Illiterate Spice Girl
95: The Bulimic Spice Girl
94: The Psychotic Spice Girl
93: The Black Spice Girl
92: The Gay Spice Girl

(as seen left-right duh)


91: Britney Spears (rags to riches to rags #heartwarming)
90: Lindsay Lohan (#relevant)




89: Paris Hilton



88: Kim Kardashian (bye haters)
87: Brandy And Monica (the boy is not even that cute)
86: Vintage Xtina (when she was skinnie)
85: Vintage Jewel (when she was homeless)
84: Vintage Miley (when she was slutty)



83: Fiona Apple ("Criminal" = good for Stripping + #thinspiration)
82: The Red Aunts (songs about poisoning boyfriends)
81: Dixie Chicks (songs about killing ex-husbands)
80: Nicole Westbrook (songs about killing yourself)




79: Aaliyah (first girlcrush via wearing man pants, RIP babygurl)
76: Lil' Kim (first sex pos influence + #slutspiration)
77: Paula Abdul (straight up now tell me where you buy tights)
79: Eve (boob paws = bestiality or body art? who cares?)
78: Brody Dalle (cool via breaking Tim Armstrong's heart #lol)
77: Cyndi Lauper (songs about masturbation)
76: The Puta from The Divinyls (songs about masturbation)
75: Tori Amos (songs about masturbation)
74: Missy Elliot (trashbag fashun and #fatspiration)
73: Kim Deal (boned her bandmates #win)



72: Kim Gordon (didn't bone anyone #sorry)



71: Saoirse Wall 



70:
69:
68:
67:
66: sigh
65: Tajci (Balkan Bitches FTW)



64:
63:
62:
61:
60: idk
59:
58:
57:
56:
55:
54:
53:
52: Beyonce
51:
50:
49:
48:
47:
46:
45:
44: wat am i doing
43:
42:
41:
40: Coco



39:
38:
37:
36: 
35:
34: Jojo
33:
32:
31:
30:
29:
28:
27:
26:
25: this isn't fun anymore
24:
23:
22:
21:
20:
19:
18: Lydia Lunch (I have touched her)



17: Courtney Love (life coach + I touched her too)
16: Gwen Stefani (spiritual leader + will touch her one day)



15: Lady Gaga in "Beautiful, Dirty, Rich"
14: Lady Gaga in "Just Dance"
13: Lady Gaga in "Poker Face"
12: Lady Gaga in "Eh, Eh, (Nothing Else I Can Say)"
11: Lady Gaga in "Love Game"
10: Lady Gaga in "Paparazzi"
9: Lady Gaga in "Bad Romance"
8: Lady Gaga in "Telephone"
7: Lady Gaga in "Alejandro"
6: Lady Gaga in "Born This Way"
5: Lady Gaga in "Judas"
4: Lady Gaga in "The Edge Of Glory"
3: Lady Gaga in "Marry The Night"
2: Lady Gaga in "You And I"
1: Lady Gaga in "Cake"



(Honorable Mentions: Madonna, Cher, and Prince)


YOU'RE WELCOME

New Year's Sexolutions




What are your plans for New Year’s Eve? Are you doing something exciting? Have you picked out a sequined cocktail dress and ordered your cocaine? Are you attending an exclusive party on a fancy resort in Morocco? Or are you still stuck on “Christmas Vacation” at your parents home? Will you ring in the new year with your evil uncle? Spend it snorting your mom’s valium pills? Or are you hooking up with your long-lost high school lover?

It doesn’t matter, because The Rule of New Year’s Eve is that whatever you do won’t meet your expectations. And boy, are there expectations! You’ve got to have fun! You have to look great! You absolutely must kiss somebody at midnight (if you don’t you will die)! There’s so much pressure to do it right because astrologers, scientists and your grandmother have all confirmed that what you do on New Year’s will set the tone for the next year. It’s true! Like, we all know that if you have sex on New Year’s that means you’ll be getting lucky for the next twelve months-and if you don’t, you won’t-so I’ve made a point of getting laid every NYE since I lost my virginity (back when there were dinosaurs and Britney Spears wasn’t on meds).

But this year I won’t be able to! Because this NYE I’ll be in DC watching The Hobbit with my sister, spending those Important Hours eating popcorn and predicting the future. What will 2013 be like? Will Lana Del Rey get pregnant? Will Miley Cyrus come out of the closet? Will Milan finally get a Starbucks? Will my dog learn to love me? 

Continue reading/Google Translating on Vice Italy ;)

Monday, December 24, 2012

SEXMAS FASHUN 2012

Hey Y'all! I'm back in North Carolina after another thrilling trip involving farting into my plane seat and lying to business men at airport bars in hopes of tricking them into falling in love with me. I'm home now and let me tell you, it's nothing short of a Winter Wonderland full of ordering my Mother to bring me food and petting three cats at once. I'm feeling great and I'm excited-because not only can I now poop without worrying about my two male roommates hearing me but also I can finally dress the way that fits me best: For Home.

Dressing For Home is a delicate art mastered by Slavic people and War Criminals and it can be confusing for some, so I'm here to offer tips!

4 Ways To Dress For 4 Home Situations: SeXMas Edition!

1) Sultry Stuff
Whether you're inviting your high school ex-boyfriend over for a little romp in memory lane or just having a sexy time by yourself with your Dad's computer, a sweet pair of velvet Juicy Couture sweatpants are key. Here I am modeling my new pair in my old Bedroom. Ah, memories. 



2) Business Casual
Just because you're at home doesn't mean you can forget about all of your obligations, you lazy piece of shit! So throw on some practical Ikea slippers, a fancy Old Navy Knit and thrift store sweatpants you won't mind wiping your nose on after you spend the next few hours crying over the fact that you're probably going to lose your job because nobody likes your writing.


3) The Great Outdoors
I can not believe you just finished all of the Russian Salad your Mom is going to kill you she was saving that for tomorrow's big dinner, what are you going to do? RUN! Run to the neighbor's house and hide out behind their Christmas tree! Just keep in mind that at least two days will pass before your family notices you're gone, so wear a warm bathrobe. 


4) Party Time, Excellent
Your cats friends are calling you and your dogs  boyfriends are sexting you and they all want your attention NOW and they won't wait and you have to impress them! So slip into your Nike shorts to show off your legs before they get fat this week. 



MERRY SEXMAS Y'ALL 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT JENNA MARBLES: STUPID IDIOT EDITION

Jenna Marbles made a marvelously slut-shamey video and I had to respond to it because how dare you ask me to Google someone before putting them inside me. (PS- in retrospect I realize calling a girl a bitch is as bad as calling her a slut but you know, anger).

Thursday, December 6, 2012

FIVE REASONS WHY I SHOULD BE ON TV

I sent this to an Italian TV station last week and they haven't replied which means that either their internet is broken or I've slept with someone who works there and he's afraid to contact me via having a Broken Heart in which case I'm like GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS, BABE!

BOOK CLERB PERT FERV

Tuesday, December 4, 2012