Tuesday, February 12, 2013

RIRI AND HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED

So apparently the Grammys happened but I was too busy taking pictures of myself with My New Smart Phone (#followme) to notice but anyway just because I didn't watch it doesn't mean I don't read The News Perez Hilton and therefore doesn't mean I didn't see Rihanna snuggling up with He Who Shall Not Be Named. (Edit: I actually do name him later on in this post #oops #triggerwarning #YOLO).



Of course I blame Her Going Back To Him on the fact that she either a) has a mental illness b) is Trolling us c) is holding He Who Shall Not Be Named as an unpaid intern against his will and/or d) was abducted by aliens and is being controlled by Their Leader in a sick ploy to ruin Feminists via making them cry themselves to death. 



Either way, upon seeing these images I couldn't help imagining a few things I'd rather see RiRi cuddling with than HIM. Here are some examples:

1) A Can Of Beans
Beans Beans the magical fruit the more you eat the more you poop the more you poop the better you feel so avoid crappy men at every meal!



2) Lady Gaga's Wig
Unlike Chris Brown, this Brown Wig is into Beautiful People while keeping in mind that women are people, too. 



3) Me
Obviously.



4) A Maxi Pad
Prevents the spread of unwanted blood rather than causing it.



5) Over-Possessive Girlfriend
Possessive beats Abusive any day (pun intended).



6) A Bum
Shine Bright Like a Trash Can. 



7) Kim's Bum
Sigh.



8) Sifl and Olly
Giving a different meaning to "I'm gonna sock you in the face."



9) Scooby Snacks
It's been Scientifically Proven aka Shown on Seinfeld that women lose focus when they're sexually active with men-the male penis presence only distracts and de-motivates women, keeping them from getting shit done! Scooby Snacks, on the other hand, have been Scientifically Proven aka Shown on Scooby Doo Where Are You to have the opposite effect. Yum!



10) Anon H8rs
They only use fighting words.



The list goes on and on-what would you have rather seen Rihanna sitting next to at the Grammys? Give her suggestions and maybe she'll do better next time. 

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