Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
HELP ME HELP YOU
Hey Y'all!
Remember when I used to write for Dolce AND Gabbana's Swide Magazine? And remember when I suddenly stopped werqing for them (got fired) and hella complained about it via assuming they totally hated me (they did)? WELL, I'm off their black list (for now) and will soon start a new advice column! So I need y'all to ask me questions about whatever-relationships, sex, diets, friendship, kittens, h8ers, How To Be Cool, etc-SO please write me at teahacic@gmail.com with questions OK???
Thanks :)
Tea
Remember when I used to write for Dolce AND Gabbana's Swide Magazine? And remember when I suddenly stopped werqing for them (got fired) and hella complained about it via assuming they totally hated me (they did)? WELL, I'm off their black list (for now) and will soon start a new advice column! So I need y'all to ask me questions about whatever-relationships, sex, diets, friendship, kittens, h8ers, How To Be Cool, etc-SO please write me at teahacic@gmail.com with questions OK???
![]() |
you helping me helping people |
Thanks :)
Tea
Monday, March 25, 2013
SPRING FAKERS
(Sometimes I link my VICE columns)
If you don’t have dreams, you have nothing. And if you have
dreams, you should do whatever you can to make them real. I have two: to be be wealthy
enough to take taxis everywhere and to be frivolous enough to throw outfits
away after wearing them once. I try to achieve these goals, not by working hard
to earn that wealth, but by paying for taxis with my mom’s credit card and
throwing my wardrobe away in a hysteric craze.
I was feeling drunk generous last night and donated a
bunch of clothes to one of those Yellow “Charity” Boxes. They say they’re for charity,
but they’re probably owned by some old creep who wants to sniff used panties,
(what idiot would donate their panties when they can sell them online?), and I’m
sure of this because I have yet to see a homeless lady in my old Zara. Anyway, I
threw them away because I was going through my closet and decided I hate
everything, and I was going through my closet because I was packing for this
week’s Spring Break Beach Trip (obviously,
I’m still unemployed). Usually beach trips are easy to pack for as you just
bring a bikini and enough alcohol to convince yourself you look good in your bikini,
but I’m not just going to the beach, I'm
going with boys! And not just boys,
but ones I’ve had past obsessions with, and by “past” I mean current, so I need
to look devastating! But how am I supposed to do that when I’ve got nothing to
wear? *Faints*
I don’t regret throwing out my wardrobe because that’s what
Spring is about-it’s about fresh beginnings! It’s about cleaning under your bed
and dumping your boyfriend! It’s about a bright, new look, or in my case,
feeling disgusting and uncomfortable until October.
I’m never ready for Spring. My genes aren’t cut out for it.
As much as I fight against it I know that my body was meant for potato farming,
vodka brewing and child-bearing in Croatian snow. I’m meant to be huddled under
sheep for warmth, not running from one McDonald’s bathroom to another in order
to refresh my deodorant and baby-wipe my butt.
You’d think that someone who enjoys being naked in public
would love the seasons of skimpy clothing, but my problem isn’t one of modesty,
but science. Warm weather makes me sweaty, bloated and gross, making it hard for
me to Dress To Impress, which is so #essential
here. American women dress for comfort while Italian women dress to make their
husbands regret cheating on them-I get that, and I can deal with that standard when
it’s cold, (everyone looks good in fake fur), but I can’t understand how you
women turn into Fashion Unicorns as soon as the flowers start blooming? With no
awkward in-between stage? Are any of you girls in my same boat or is it just
me? Doesn’t matter, it’s my column, and I’ll cry if I want to.
FASHION ESSENTIALS
FOR THE [UNFORTUNATE] SPRINGSLUT
FOOTWEAR:
I sweat like a whore in church and by “whore” I mean myself
and by “church” I mean the STD clinic. My hands are always damp (if I’ve ever high-fived
you or jerked you off you know this) as well as my feet. I know most of you can
wear sandals or even regular shoes without socks (and y’all can S my D),
but for my Fellow Gross Girls, I
suggest knee-high white socks with platform sandals or oxfords, via Cher in Clueless. It’s a good look, and by “good
look” I mean it attracts men, because deep down all men want to fuck a School
Girl (and you should all be ashamed of yourselves).
OUTERWEAR:
DRESSES: If people can’t see the inside of your uterus when
you bend down you’re doing it wrong.
PANTS: I haven’t been able to feel good in a pair of pants
ever since I “recovered” from anorexia. Call it Body Dysmorphic Disorder, I
call it a lifestyle. Moving on.
UNDERWEAR
LINGERIE: Let’s bring back bras as tops, experiment with the
idea of Formal Thongs and rock maternity panties as shorts. If the fabric is
fancy enough, nobody can tell the difference.
HOSIERY: If I could know how much money I’ve spent on pantyhose
in the past few years I’d probably react the same way as if someone told
Lindsay Lohan how much she’s spent on crack. With that cash I could have bought
cars, houses, islands, or at least gone to professional hair salons once in a
while instead of butchering my bangs by myself.
This might be because I can’t not rip a pair of tights as soon as I get them but also because I
wear them year-round. I’ve spent entire Springs and Summers in black (shaping) tights
because I can’t deal with the horror of my legs sometimes rubbing against each
other. (Insert: “that’s why your legs are always open” joke). Honestly, how is
suddenly losing the trusted support of Control-Top Pantyhose not as traumatic
as losing a loved one to cancer?
Anyway, 15 den sheer stockings are the only “acceptable”
option for warm weather but the types of girls who don’t destroy those five
minutes after putting them on are the same types of Fashion Unicorns who look
good in Spring and therefore aren’t worth mentioning.
BEAUTY
FACE: People say when you lose your phone that means you
need new friends. And when you leave all your makeup in a bar you have no time
to come back to because you’re rushing to a meeting and are therefore forced to
spend 200 euros at the nearest Sephora because you can’t be without a full face
of drag mask for even a second, that means Spring is here. (What? Feminine
Products are expensive! I’ve always said that the day I stop letting men pay
for my shit is the day tampons stop costing 6 euros).
BODY: I’m eastern European and y’all know what that means,
it means I can’t look at myself in a full-length mirror naked in natural
daylight without having a body-hair stroke. I used to try to wax myself with
Nair Strips but my hair was too strong for them. Really, I used them on my neck
and arms and got actual bruises because
the hair wouldn’t let the strip come off without brutal force. I looked like a junky that enjoys
strangling herself (not far from the truth, but still). Now I
just spend hours plucking hairs from my face and shaving the rest every day while
hoping to god I never end up in a coma unable to take care of what I’m sure
y’all wouldn’t even believe if you saw it. Why is having a human female body
such a nightmare?
ACCESSORIES:
You need a purse small enough to not weigh you down but big
enough to hold your panty-liners and baby wipes because god knows your vagina
will be wet, and not in the good way.
I’m exhausted just thinking about these months to come. I
feel totally defeated. In fact, I’ve changed my mind about one of my dreams. Maybe
wearing something once and throwing it away isn’t chic. Who actually does that,
anyway? The coolest people in the world are cartoon characters, and they wear
the same thing every day.
MARCH MADNESS 2013 #5: WERQING ON MY PRIVACY!
This weekend I learned a lesson about Over-Sharing.
Trigger Warning: TMI!!!
Trigger Warning: TMI!!!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
I DON'T CARE WHAT MY TEACHERS SAY I'M GONNA BE A FASHUN MODEL
VICE shot me for their "American" issue and here are the Mom-Friendly pictures :)
Photos by Marco Pietracupa
Styling by Anna Carraro
Photos by Marco Pietracupa
Styling by Anna Carraro
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
MARCH MADNESS 2013 #2: FEED DA BIRDS
My second March Madness video is about Pigeons which would be my favorite animals if my favorite animals weren't seals.
This video is dedicated to my boss who got me drunk tonight (we're #professional) and also my roommates for interrupting me via screaming about a football match (they're #mature).
Monday, March 11, 2013
MARCH MADNESS 2013 #1: DANCING TUTORIAL !!!
I barely slept last night and flew in from Paris today and now it's 2 am and I should be in bed trying to find links of the new GIRLS episode online but instead I'm doing this because I'm dedicated and by "dedicated" I mean afraid of being alone with my own thoughts and therefore having time to realize that I've graduated and don't have a full-time job or even a small dog to hang out with. So here's my first March Madness 2013 video, inspired by this:
PS-Keep the ideas coming y'all!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
THE GRADUATE
OMFG y'all have given me such good March Madness requests my stomach hurts just reading them and not only because I ate leeks for dinner. And I graduated today, which means I can get started! You didn't believe I could graduate? Neither did I, until I woke up with three pimples to represent the three years I've studied at NABA. Also I guess they arrived via #stress. Because in Italy when you graduate you don't get to just put on a gown and sit in the grass and drink whiskey when nobody's looking while you wait for your name to get called. No! You have to present your thesis to a panel and drink whiskey between presentations in the bathroom instead (#stressful)! If you still don't believe me, here's a picture of me after signing my diploma
and the ~Graduate Banner~ I threw on the ground.
Anyway, to celebrate thisthing everyone my age has already done Great Accomplishment, tomorrow I'm going to Paris! And I'd make a new video before I go but tonight I have to write a VICE article about the Pope because my editor hates me even though I have a crush on him which will be difficult because all I know about the Pope is that in high school I said to a teacher, "an ex-Nazi is our new Pope," and he said, "grow up, Tea," and I was like, "I AM GROWN UP I'M SIXTEEN" and ran to the bathroom and took a whole box of laxatives and called my boyfriend and cried.
So I don't have time to make a new video until I get back on Monday but if y'all wanna see, here's [parts of] the Thesis video I presented today with my collection and zines (my professors still have the zines and I want them back btw)! I've actually cut it hella short for y'all because it was full of stuff you don't wanna see and/or have already seen (and still is), but if you want to have an idea of what kind of crap can pass as "fashun," here ya go. The parts where I'm silent are the parts where IRL Tea is speaking to the professors and trying to convince them to not kick her out.
But who cares! Let's talk about how I'm excited about Paris via getting to see my Russian Princess and stalk a guy I once kissed at a Starbucks there. I'm also stoked about the fact that I'm finally overpacking. Yeah, I used to think it's cool to just bring one hand bag when I travel because it's cool to only wear one outfit over and over and over again in hopes of becoming a cartoon character but I'm too old for that crap now! This time I'm packing enough so I can change outfits every time I sneeze or blink or use the bathroom, which will be often, because, you know, me.
Ok so see y'all Monday! And let me know if you have any tips on the Pope! And also give me more March Madness requests-I'm going to try to do a video every day when I get back like I'm not kidding, I'll be like Daily Grace but with worse teeth.
Bye!
and the ~Graduate Banner~ I threw on the ground.
Anyway, to celebrate this
So I don't have time to make a new video until I get back on Monday but if y'all wanna see, here's [parts of] the Thesis video I presented today with my collection and zines (my professors still have the zines and I want them back btw)! I've actually cut it hella short for y'all because it was full of stuff you don't wanna see and/or have already seen (and still is), but if you want to have an idea of what kind of crap can pass as "fashun," here ya go. The parts where I'm silent are the parts where IRL Tea is speaking to the professors and trying to convince them to not kick her out.
But who cares! Let's talk about how I'm excited about Paris via getting to see my Russian Princess and stalk a guy I once kissed at a Starbucks there. I'm also stoked about the fact that I'm finally overpacking. Yeah, I used to think it's cool to just bring one hand bag when I travel because it's cool to only wear one outfit over and over and over again in hopes of becoming a cartoon character but I'm too old for that crap now! This time I'm packing enough so I can change outfits every time I sneeze or blink or use the bathroom, which will be often, because, you know, me.
Ok so see y'all Monday! And let me know if you have any tips on the Pope! And also give me more March Madness requests-I'm going to try to do a video every day when I get back like I'm not kidding, I'll be like Daily Grace but with worse teeth.
Bye!
Friday, March 1, 2013
MARCH MADNESS (PART TWO)
Hey y'all! It's March again, and that's cray.
You know what else is cray? That I'm graduating! Next Wednesday! Meaning, I won't be in school anymore! Because, I quit the master's program! Meaning, this whole month I'll be free tolook for jobs lay in my bathtub while smearing mashed fruits and honey onto my face in hopes of curing this new pimple that's conveniently appeared during the one week of the year I'm going out. Speaking of which, how do kids cover up pimples these days? Should I put a Hello Kitty sticker on it? Cover it in eyeliner and call it a beauty mark? Give it a name? Make it Snapchat famous? Burn it with a cigarette? Embrace it in hopes of it making me look like an #adolescent?
What I'm trying to say is, now that I'm ~finally~ graduating I'll finally have time to do productive shit again like film myself crying every day. And it's perfect timing, because it's March! Because, remember that last March I started making videos for the first time, with my March Madness #experiment, in which y'all basically told me what to make videos about? Only back then I was hella bad at making videos (I'm super good at it now, like basically profesh)? So, are y'all into that again? Can you give me assignments? (No pee-on-your-stockings-and-choke-yourself-with-them requests this time, please).
I also plan on learning a new 90's Boy Band choreography every week, since I'm practically a professional dancer now! So I could just werq that in to whatever y'all tell me to do, right?
Ok so let's do this! Help me! I'll do anything to get y'all'sattention love!
PS-If nobody suggests anything and/or I get no comments on this post (Facebook doesn't count) I will set myself on fire.
Thanks y'all! Can't wait to get this #March #Madness started!
You know what else is cray? That I'm graduating! Next Wednesday! Meaning, I won't be in school anymore! Because, I quit the master's program! Meaning, this whole month I'll be free to
What I'm trying to say is, now that I'm ~finally~ graduating I'll finally have time to do productive shit again like film myself crying every day. And it's perfect timing, because it's March! Because, remember that last March I started making videos for the first time, with my March Madness #experiment, in which y'all basically told me what to make videos about? Only back then I was hella bad at making videos (I'm super good at it now, like basically profesh)? So, are y'all into that again? Can you give me assignments? (No pee-on-your-stockings-and-choke-yourself-with-them requests this time, please).
I also plan on learning a new 90's Boy Band choreography every week, since I'm practically a professional dancer now! So I could just werq that in to whatever y'all tell me to do, right?
Ok so let's do this! Help me! I'll do anything to get y'all's
PS-If nobody suggests anything and/or I get no comments on this post (Facebook doesn't count) I will set myself on fire.
Thanks y'all! Can't wait to get this #March #Madness started!
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