ARE YOU READY TO MEET
THE PARENTS?
1) Manners:
My boyfriend always complains when I put my elbows on the dinner
table and I always ask him how else am I supposed to steal food from the person
next to me when they aren’t looking? Do you know how much time it takes to lift
an arm from under the table when it’s so heavy with that huge diamond ring you’ll
buy me? How do y’all sit at a dinner
table?
A) Hands
elegantly rested near silverware, napkin in lap and back straight.
B) Hands under
the table and eyes down because I’m sexting your cousin.
C) Crawling under
the table looking for my lost Xanax contact lens.
Correct answer: C:
you’ll need Xanax to put yourself to sleep before your boyfriend can try to
have sex with you because he still doesn’t understand that girls don’t enjoy
being naked or touched while naked after a big meal. If I wanted to have sex with
a pregnant belly I wouldn’t have ever taken that Plan B pill those ten times.
(If you answered B you
don’t know how to sext without looking and are therefore too old to be reading
this and if you answered A you’re a
liar).
2) Emergency:
What do you do if you’re in a tiny apartment with a thousand
Sicilians celebrating your boyfriend’s sister’s wedding and they’ve been
feeding you “fish” and your stomach suddenly sounds like Lady Gaga’s next album
so you run to the only bathroom in the place and explode into the toilet (Kanye’s
latest album) but it won’t flush because that summer the mafia stole the water
(#truestory #iloveitaly) and everyone in the kitchen is waiting for you?
A) Flush the
old-fashioned way, via a bucket of water.
B) Discretely ask
his mother for help while discretely slipping her a twenty.
C) Strut back to
the kitchen like a #diva and pretend it didn’t happen.
Correct answer: D:
throw yourself out the window.
(If you answered any of the above you’re as dumb as I was
three years ago).
3) PDA:
How affectionate are you with your lover? How do y’all act
in public?
A) Hold hands and
kiss so basic bitches back off *flips hair* *sharpens knife*
B) Hold each
other’s waists because one of y’all has hand-sweating problems.
C) Public enemas.
Correct answer: B:
once my boyfriend was like, “why are your hands so sweaty?” and I was like,
“because I’m nervous,” and he was like, “why are you nervous?” and I was like,
“you’re driving too fast,” and he was like, “what?” and I was like, “you’re going
to crash the car and I will die and you’ll have to live with that guilt for the
rest of your life,” and he was like, “we aren’t in a car.”
(If you answered A
or C you’re probably gay and won’t
ever meet the parents anyway because they’ve shunned you).
4) Issues:
People say you shouldn’t mention “controversial” topics like
religion or politics when meeting future in-laws but I think it’s really
important to stress how you feel so they understand Who You Are and that the wedding won’t be in a church. That being
said, just because you read Guns, Germs
& Steel in high school doesn’t mean you know what Obama eats for
breakfast. Discuss only what you know, like communist rations in Yugoslavia and
exorcisms in the Appalachians. What do you believe in?
A) Lady Gaga
performing the National Anthem for Gay Pride last week.
B) The Zombie
Apocalypse.
C) Yeezus.
Correct answer: A: if
you can watch that without crying you either don’t have feelings and/or are too
jealous of her new hair color to think about anything else.
(If you answered B
you should quit your Urban Outfitters job before it ruins your life and if you answered C you haven’t heard the album yet).
5) Substance:
My dad made my college boyfriend drink three types of Croatian
liquor in front of him without “making a face” before he’d accept him. The boy
“made a face” after the second one and I dumped him soon after.
Your drink of choice is:
A) Wine
B) Beer
C) Liquor
Correct answer: All of the above. The first thing the last
parents I met said about me was, “she drinks too much,” which means they know
my boyfriend is lucky to have me because I’m lucky to still be alive.
(If you answered A
you’re a pussy, if you answered B
you’re an asshole and if you answered C
you’re my father).
6) Style:
How you dress says everything about you and how far you’re
willing to go to impress people you hate. What’s your look?
A) Slutty
Gardener
B) Brothel Stylist
C) Truck Stop
Diva
Correct answer: B:
Look sexy enough to attract the father while appearing miserably uncomfortable
enough to convince the mother you’re ready for the constant pain that is
matrimony and motherhood.
(If you answered A
never trust a hippy and if you answered C
you’re Lana Del Rey and I’m honored you’re reading this).
7) Humor:
Things I say often: “My diet starts tomorrow” and “I don’t
know what I said, but I know it was funny.” Are you LOLZ?
A) The only funny
thing about me is my face.
B) The only funny
thing about me is my eating disorder.
C) The only funny
thing about me is everything.
Correct answer: it
depends-parents love funny boyfriends (he’ll “lighten difficult times” with
humor, like when his wife dies in the delivery room because he forgot to bring
her heroin) but they hate funny girlfriends (they know she’ll teach their
grandchildren penis jokes if she survives their delivery).
8) Ambition:
The parents liked me until they found my VICE columns, which
is understandable, because I wouldn’t want my son dating someone more famous
than him, either. What will you do with your life?
A) Replace
Dolce&Gabbana after they go to prison.
B) Write a memoir
about my time with Berlusconi.
C) Bring back
fishnets as acceptable legwear.
Correct Answer:
are y’all still here? Sorry, my cats are demanding my attention and I’ve got to
go.
PS: If you
answered more than 5 of these correctly or if you answered less than two incorrectly
or if you answered none of these at all or if you were actually just looking
for the new Jonas Brothers music video and don’t know why you’re here, you’re
ready to meet the parents.