Monday, July 1, 2013


(I wrote about meeting the parents for VICE Italy)

My boyfriend is meeting my parents this week, and I’m worried. Not because I’m afraid they won’t like him but because I don’t want them to like him more than his parents like me (relationships are a competition). Boys’ parents usually hate me because they think I “behave badly” but let me clarify that’s only because they treat me badly. Parents are always doing annoying shit like offering me me food I can’t eat (Gwyneth Paltrow told me I was allergic to gluten in a dream once) and asking what I want to do with my life (if Halle Berry could be model/actresses I can be a comedian/stripper) and giving me old “necklaces” their “grandmother used to wear” (cursing me for eternity).

Sometimes I think past relationships would have lasted longer had I never met the parents. Sometimes I wonder if I should have slowed things down before they got out of hand. Sometimes I wish I could think before speaking or showing someone’s father my tan lines. Sometimes I hope to host a reality show about extreme weight-loss with Miley Cyrus. Sometimes I know the only way to make big decisions is with a quiz.


1) Manners:
My boyfriend always complains when I put my elbows on the dinner table and I always ask him how else am I supposed to steal food from the person next to me when they aren’t looking? Do you know how much time it takes to lift an arm from under the table when it’s so heavy with that huge diamond ring you’ll buy me? How do y’all sit at a dinner table?

A) Hands elegantly rested near silverware, napkin in lap and back straight.
B) Hands under the table and eyes down because I’m sexting your cousin.
C) Crawling under the table looking for my lost Xanax contact lens.

Correct answer: C: you’ll need Xanax to put yourself to sleep before your boyfriend can try to have sex with you because he still doesn’t understand that girls don’t enjoy being naked or touched while naked after a big meal. If I wanted to have sex with a pregnant belly I wouldn’t have ever taken that Plan B pill those ten times.

(If you answered B you don’t know how to sext without looking and are therefore too old to be reading this and if you answered A you’re a liar).

2) Emergency:
What do you do if you’re in a tiny apartment with a thousand Sicilians celebrating your boyfriend’s sister’s wedding and they’ve been feeding you “fish” and your stomach suddenly sounds like Lady Gaga’s next album so you run to the only bathroom in the place and explode into the toilet (Kanye’s latest album) but it won’t flush because that summer the mafia stole the water (#truestory #iloveitaly) and everyone in the kitchen is waiting for you?

A) Flush the old-fashioned way, via a bucket of water.
B) Discretely ask his mother for help while discretely slipping her a twenty.
C) Strut back to the kitchen like a #diva and pretend it didn’t happen.

Correct answer: D: throw yourself out the window.

(If you answered any of the above you’re as dumb as I was three years ago).

3) PDA:
How affectionate are you with your lover? How do y’all act in public?

A) Hold hands and kiss so basic bitches back off *flips hair* *sharpens knife*
B) Hold each other’s waists because one of y’all has hand-sweating problems.
C) Public enemas.

Correct answer: B: once my boyfriend was like, “why are your hands so sweaty?” and I was like, “because I’m nervous,” and he was like, “why are you nervous?” and I was like, “you’re driving too fast,” and he was like, “what?” and I was like, “you’re going to crash the car and I will die and you’ll have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life,” and he was like, “we aren’t in a car.”

(If you answered A or C you’re probably gay and won’t ever meet the parents anyway because they’ve shunned you).

4) Issues:
People say you shouldn’t mention “controversial” topics like religion or politics when meeting future in-laws but I think it’s really important to stress how you feel so they understand Who You Are and that the wedding won’t be in a church. That being said, just because you read Guns, Germs & Steel in high school doesn’t mean you know what Obama eats for breakfast. Discuss only what you know, like communist rations in Yugoslavia and exorcisms in the Appalachians. What do you believe in?

A) Lady Gaga performing the National Anthem for Gay Pride last week.
B) The Zombie Apocalypse.
C) Yeezus.

Correct answer: A: if you can watch that without crying you either don’t have feelings and/or are too jealous of her new hair color to think about anything else.

(If you answered B you should quit your Urban Outfitters job before it ruins your life and if you answered C you haven’t heard the album yet).

5) Substance:
My dad made my college boyfriend drink three types of Croatian liquor in front of him without “making a face” before he’d accept him. The boy “made a face” after the second one and I dumped him soon after. Your drink of choice is:

A) Wine
B) Beer
C) Liquor

Correct answer:  All of the above. The first thing the last parents I met said about me was, “she drinks too much,” which means they know my boyfriend is lucky to have me because I’m lucky to still be alive. 

(If you answered A you’re a pussy, if you answered B you’re an asshole and if you answered C you’re my father).

6) Style:
How you dress says everything about you and how far you’re willing to go to impress people you hate. What’s your look?

A) Slutty Gardener
B) Brothel Stylist
C) Truck Stop Diva

Correct answer: B: Look sexy enough to attract the father while appearing miserably uncomfortable enough to convince the mother you’re ready for the constant pain that is matrimony and motherhood.

(If you answered A never trust a hippy and if you answered C you’re Lana Del Rey and I’m honored you’re reading this).

7) Humor:
Things I say often: “My diet starts tomorrow” and “I don’t know what I said, but I know it was funny.” Are you LOLZ?

A) The only funny thing about me is my face.
B) The only funny thing about me is my eating disorder.
C) The only funny thing about me is everything.

Correct answer: it depends-parents love funny boyfriends (he’ll “lighten difficult times” with humor, like when his wife dies in the delivery room because he forgot to bring her heroin) but they hate funny girlfriends (they know she’ll teach their grandchildren penis jokes if she survives their delivery).

8) Ambition:
The parents liked me until they found my VICE columns, which is understandable, because I wouldn’t want my son dating someone more famous than him, either. What will you do with your life?

A) Replace Dolce&Gabbana after they go to prison.
B) Write a memoir about my time with Berlusconi.
C) Bring back fishnets as acceptable legwear. 

Correct Answer: are y’all still here? Sorry, my cats are demanding my attention and I’ve got to go.

PS: If you answered more than 5 of these correctly or if you answered less than two incorrectly or if you answered none of these at all or if you were actually just looking for the new Jonas Brothers music video and don’t know why you’re here, you’re ready to meet the parents.

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