Wednesday, August 28, 2013

STAND UP SLUTS


I was supposed to be at Burning Man this week (my boyfriend bought tickets before we even met, OK?) (and I’m like, “who was mine for then?”) (and then I’m like, “who’s mom?”). After weeks of persuasion I agreed under the pretense that I don’t have to pay for anything once I’m there (“hugs for drugs” isn’t appealing but neither is giving up my last five bucks for a dusty lollipop) and that however horrible the experience, it will give me great writing material and important lessons like don't fall asleep unless you want to wake up in a k-hole #nevertrustahippy



I didn’t end up going, thank Goddess. I couldn't miss Lady Gaga’s VMA performance! Just kidding, I missed it anyway because we don’t have a TV and I don’t know how to use the internet. Just kidding, I chose not to watch it because award shows stress me out. Not because I think they’re stupid or superficial or wasteful (*laughs hysterically at nothing* *checks reflection in aluminum can* *throws can into the sea*) but because they fill me with the overwhelming sense that I’m missing out.

When I see celebrities, I don’t admire them. I don’t wish I could meet them or be around them. I wish to be them. I deserve to be them, I think, I am them, I feel, I’m better than them, it’s not fair I’m not there, THAT SHOULD BE ME! I scream, at my screen, through a mouthful of cauliflower (the colon’s broom).



I get fiercely jealous of famous people, especially pop stars, because I’ve always known that if I’d only been born with a nice voice, I’d be one. I tried to be a concert pianist but realized that involves too much time spent inside practice rooms alone (and therefore not enough being obsessed over by strangers). Obviously I wanted to be a keyboardist in a punk rock band but nobody wants keyboardists in punk bands, especially if they're girls (I'll never forgive you, Jason, hope you know why you never made it). I got a place in my High School Jazz Band but apparently that isn't "legit" (I'll never forgive you, Battle of the Bands, my cover of "Someday My Prince Will Come" inspired by Bill Evans was killer) so then I just played piano at restaurants and bars until I realized retired couples in North Carolina aren't really my target.

So I moved to Milan to become a famous fashion designer but within a year discovered that I hate fashion and designers equally and after dabbling in PR I realized I hate parties and people even more and eventually figured the only way for me to get famous would be by being on TV. So I became a "writer" and "online personality" (went blonde) and within two years I got my own show on Sky and nothing changed. I guess Italian TV shows don't count, especially now that I'm here.

I have no contacts in California, no friends and no fashion show cues to convince people to think I'm cool at. Nobody can read my articles here and even if they could they'd be underwhelmed (everyone in San Francisco is either a part-time porn star or full-time crackhead, so anything I write seems trite). I hate LA too much to audition there and the only magazines I can write for in CA are too eco-friendly to even consider hiring someone like me (the hole in the ozone layer grows with the stiffness of my hair).

So I've decided to be a comedienne. 

How hard can it be?



Tonight I'll write a routine that should last a few unbearable minutes, and y’all are welcome to watch me perform it tomorrow night at the Flying Pig Bistro from sometime between 6-11:00 pm and/or find me asleep in the bathroom after failed attempts to drink my nerves away. Just kidding, I'm not nervous at all. The countless nights I've spent on dates telling (hilarious) jokes the dates always refused to laugh at have prepared me for the worst.

Anyway, I'm writing this post in hopes of getting some help-I've been watching lots of stand-up for #inspiration and it seems that in order to be "funny" you have to hate yourself or something and I'm kind of worried my oozing confidence will affect my routine. 

What should my stand-up personality be like?



I'll let y'all know how it blows goes! 

8 comments:

  1. You should have a dance number. Every time I see you dancing on one of your videos it truly madly cracks me up. And it takes me hours to focus on something else.

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  2. Like Margaret cho!!! Sex stories and family stories and personal identity crisis stories ;-D oh and could you please post a video of your stand up??? ;-) pretty please

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  3. A video of this stand up better be posted later!! <3 good luck love

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  4. YESSSS OMG SO EXCITED FOR YOU. Everybody bombs now and again (ie fucking all the time) as a comedian/enne ESPECIALLY at first so please don't let bad reactions put you off because once you hone this you'll be fucking brilliant, it's like this is the perfect job for you. You are legit one of the funniest people on the whole internet I cry laughing at your posts (and then show my bf and he doesn't get it #patriarchy).

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  5. kinda really want to see a video of yir standup tea

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  6. I just stumbled upon this site looking for tea and crumpets. YOU are hilarious. I'm your newest, lamest fan.........will spread your word.

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  7. I just stumbled upon this site looking for tea & crumpets. YOU are hilarious!! I will share the filth. Your newest, lamest fan.......

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