Monday, February 25, 2013

THE FREAKY PRINCESS (AND ME)


I interviewed Brooke Candy for Vice Italy. Pics by Piotr Niepsuj. 


Everyone says when you meet celebrities they’re smaller than you expected, so I wasn’t stunned to find the Amazonian Brooke Candy is actually barely above five feet and (dare I say?) junky-thin. What surprised me was her personality. Like y’all, I know Brooke from her Tumblr and bizarre music videos which make her seem about as approachable as the reptiles she makes out with in them. I was nervous to meet her! And not only because I’m a fan and therefore afraid she’d think I’m lame and/or catch me putting her half-eaten food in my purse! No, I was afraid she’d be too much, too loud, too obnoxious-even for me. So I was shocked to find "The Freaky Princess" eloquent, elegant and full of old-school etiquette. Brooke isn’t just the Sex-Crazed Fashion Alien she seems like. If anything, she’s a Well-Mannered Cat. I learned this (and so much more!) speaking with Brooke her first morning in Milan, where she’s come to perform at PWP, eat [vegetarian] pasta dishes and make us all feel dumb and boring.

Welcome to Milan! What have you done so far? Aside from streaking on your balcony?

You’ve been following my Tweets

Duh!

We just got here last night. We stayed in a beautiful hotel and ordered room service. I ate spaghetti, and I really like spaghetti, so that’s exciting. That’s huge.

You came to the right place for that. How are you preparing for your performance? Do you have a backstage Diva list?

I just ask for tea. If I have a back room, I take two minutes to drink tea. Otherwise just the adrenaline of performing is enough.   

Does being a stripper help you perform?

I don’t do that anymore, and that was just a way to make money.

It didn’t inspire you?

I started stripping because I needed a job that would give me enough free time to work on my music while living the way I wanted to live. Before I started stripping I was making music but I wasn’t comfortable with my body. I was very butch and I wore caps and sweatpants. And then I started to strip and got so comfortable naked that it became a part of my persona-not that I’m a “made” persona-Brooke Candy is my real name and my lyrics are based on my life. But stripping inspired my live performances and made me more open with my body. I wouldn’t recommend it for every girl but for me it was an eye-opening experience. It helped me learn how to work people. How to work a man.

A lot of psychology goes into stripping.

I had a method. You learn that guys who come in with friends don’t have or don’t spend money. But the ones who come alone do. So I’d find the lonely guy and sit next to him and say, “it’s my first day, I’m so nervous, I’ve never done this before, will you talk to me?” So we’d talk until he’d offer me a drink, and that drink would lead to a lap dance and that lap dance would lead to lots of money.


You’re obviously a feminist, yet you’re very sexual. Can you explain how it’s possible to be a feminist while behaving in ways others deem “objectifying” to women? I understand, as a sex-positive feminist, but I’m curious as to what you think.

It isn’t objectifying if I’m objectifying myself! Nobody is putting me in an outfit an putting me on stage and saying, “go!” I chose to use my body. Every human has the exact same shit-breasts, dicks, whatever. We all know what we look like, so I don’t even really believe it should be an issue. Like I said, I don’t preach that girls should do it, but if you choose it, that’s fine.

How do you feel about Taylor Swift and Katy Perry publically denouncing feminism? Even though they’re obviously, by the definition of the word, feminists? Why are so many women afraid to associate themselves with that word?

Wait, what?

Katy Perry won the Woman Of The Year Award and said, in her speech, "I'm not a feminist, but I believe in the power of women." And Taylor Swift totally avoided the subject when asked in an interview.

I need to think about this for a second...

It didn’t make sense to me, either.

Hearing Katy do that doesn’t surprise me but Taylor Swift is insane! Taylor seems so intelligent! Maybe there’s someone behind her pushing her to say this? Maybe it’s her label’s fault? Sorry, Taylor blows my mind, that makes me not like her anymore. I always thought she was cool, but now I dislike her and I’m not a fan anymore…I can not fathom this!

I think the problem is they don’t know what the word actually means?

But they should! We’ve been oppressed forever! It’s disgusting! These women should know that we’re still fighting for equality, that we have to work ten times as hard for less money, they should know that. Do they not know that?

I think they’re afraid of their public. For example, tons of people adore you, but you get hardcore haters as well. And I think that’s unfortunately a result of you being such a sexually-open feminist. I think it pisses men off, and it confuses people. It’s unbelievable the shit people say to you...do you read all your comments? Do they affect you?

I read every single thing written to me. Like, I wake up in the morning and read every single Tweet directed towards me. I read every comment. 95% of what I get is love. The hatred doesn’t offend me because it’s ignorance. I used to re-tweet the hate to shed light on how evil people can be but then I realized I shouldn’t publicize it because they just want attention. But it doesn’t affect me. I’m strong and I’m centered and I feel confident with who I am and with my beliefs so I don’t care who the fuck likes me and who doesn’t.

What does affect you?

I’m a sad person in general. I’m very manic. I’ve always battled with depression and thoughts of suicide. It’s just a chemical imbalance, I guess. There are certain things that set it off, though. Like, I performed in Madrid and they treated me with disrespect. They were on drugs and the crowd was rowdy. They were showing me love but the love they were showing me was so dark that overnight I lost faith in humanity. I was like, I don’t even want to perform anymore! I was basically sexually assaulted and raped on stage. I was like, I came here to bring you love and happiness and you’re bringing me violence! I know that I promote sexuality but that doesn’t mean you can molest me.

Acting sexual doesn’t mean you’re sexually available.

I believe the artist should be in control when they are on stage. To have the stage but not have control over it, to have shit ripped off of me and stuck inside of me was horrifying. I finished my set and cried for the rest of my trip in Spain. But then we went to London and I was like, OK, I’m doing the right thing (laughs). Not to say that people in Spain are bad, but that was wrong. That specific occurrence was really unfortunate. I want them to know it was wrong and that I feel violated. From now on I’m taking cues from GG Allin. If you’re going to rape me I’ll fucking throw my shit on you. I’ll poop on stage and throw it in your face. But I want my performances to be full of love, so I hope it doesn’t come to that.

Courtney Love, Brody Dalle, lots of female artists get assaulted on stage, it’s a pretty terrible trend.

I love Courtney Love. She’s really similar to me, as a performer. She’s such a fucking feminist and very sexual and crazy and brilliant. But people interpret that in a weird way and think they can take advantage of us.

Because people are idiots. Especially men.

I honestly think that women are better than men. I don’t care, I’ll fucking say it. We carry life, we create it, we’re nurturing, yet we have to deal with more bullshit, everything is more difficult to us, everyone fucking hurts us, yet we’re strong, we aren’t destructive, we aren’t aggressive, despite being the victims of aggression every single day. Like give me a break.


Would you say your main goal is to empower women through your art? For example, “next time they call you a slut, Brooke Candy tells you not to give a fuck,” is really powerful shit for a young girl to hear.

Totally-I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedbacks since then. Girls saying, “since you put out that song, I no longer give a fuck.” Girls message me regularly saying, “I don’t care anymore, words no longer hurt me.” I think that what I promote, even if it only helps one person, is huge to me. Because I was tormented my whole life.

Who did this for you? Who helped you not give a fuck?

Lil Kim. She was a successful woman, she preached everything I believe in. She was a total feminist in her lyrics and in her sexualized imagery. What she stands for is so cool. A lot of female MCs will say they were inspired by her, but what are they taking from her? So many female MCs just rap about nothing.

Or they rap about fighting each other.

I hate that. All that just for attention and record sales. I don’t believe in that, I believe in building your fellow women up! Because you’ve gone through the same shit, it’s been hard! Knowing that another woman has dealt with that and then trying to knock her down is so stupid to me! No woman should be mean to another woman. Especially through music, because music can sway the masses, literally. You can get into people’s minds and sway their opinions and change their lives. So why are you rapping about being a rich bitch? Nobody can relate to that!

Why do you think there’s so many new female MCs popping up now? For a while there was nothing, and now, all of a sudden!

Want to know? Kreayshawn. She’s a feminist, she’s cool, she doesn’t rap about bullshit, she tries to be really relatable, she’s a friend of mine and she’s really sweet. She opened the door for all of us, and none of these women thank her. They all try to take her down, and that’s so sad. She was able to do something other female MCs dream of doing and she gets no respect. She opened this door and labels saw through her a profitable market, so now these other girls have been able to get into it. I believe she truly opened that door. So pay her some fucking respect.

People are rude.

People are stupid, that’s the problem. I’m trying to spread a message but people don’t get it. Aside from the gay community. They’re my biggest supporters. Gay men and lesbians. That’s the final frontier of prejudice.

Why do you think they support you so much?

They accept someone who’s different, because they’re different. They want to rep me and build me up because they like the fact that I’m standing up for them and that I’m one of them. I’m not just claiming this group of people for attention, I identify with it. I was thrown out of my house when I told my mom I liked girls. I was fifteen. I can’t do anything else but represent them. If I don’t, I’ll feel empty inside.  

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

CAMBODIAN SHAKE (A HAIR AND DANCE TUTORIAL)

Just because you didn't get invited to any shows this Fashun Week doesn't mean you shouldn't look good enough to stand outside of the shows and therefore good enough to look like professionals do your hair for you and by "professionals" I mean birds. Anyway, here's a tutorial on how to look, sleep and dance like me-this video is as #relevant as any Harlem Shake, without making you feel shitty about the fact that you don't have any friends to make a Harlem Shake video with. Your'e welcome.

Monday, February 18, 2013

TEA'S TACOS VOTING GUIDE

I've always thought "blogging" via copy/pasting other work you do is a cop-out in the same way that interchanging Tweets and Facebook updates is, however these days I'm so busy waxing my chin and instagraming pictures of my toilet and I don't really have time to post crap on Every Single Individual Internet Outlet as much as I used to. I'll definitely get back into all that soon, considering that I've just decided to quit my master's program (and ask instead to be a professor within the master's program but that's another story and therefore another blog post) but till then I'm just gonna have to take the lazy fucker way out. So here's this week's Tea's Tacos which is #surprisingly about politics and I say "surprisingly" not only because Tea's Tacos should be a Sex Column but because I've failed every History class I've ever taken and forget which country I live in most of the time. But I'm actually trying to get away from "Sex Writing" as I literally don't have sex anymore so I guess this is a good start? Anyway, here it is:




This week some guy interviewed me for his Webzine. He asked me pretty predictable questions, like which sex positions I prefer (none), what kinds of men get me into bed (all) and what I fantasize about (getting famous for growing the world’s longest chin hair). We discussed My Career and he suggested that my next move should be politics. He said this so I would reply, “I’m not qualified,” so he could answer, “here any woman is qualified as long as she can give blow jobs,” so I could laugh and say, “you’re right!” and touch his leg or whatever. Instead I explained that I could never go into politics here because I care too much.


When I say I care about politics I don’t mean I read newspapers or watch the news regularly (or ever) or even know what’s going on most of the time. Like, WWIII could come around and I’d probably go out and be like, “why is my bar closed?” When I say I care about politics I mean I care about Women’s Issues And How Politics Affect Them, as I’m sure y’all have realized by now (cue you rolling your eyes so hard your head hurts). Anyway, politics are terrible everywhere but Italian Politics make me want to crawl inside of Beyonce’s vagina and take a nap forever.

And speaking of which, the election is here! And you know it, because the boy you asked out tonight was like, “sorry I’m going to Rome because I have to vote” and then you got drunk by yourself and fell asleep in your bathtub. Sure, that’s annoying, but elections aren’t. Elections are fun! They’re funny, because they encourage dumb people to write “smart” Facebook Statuses, inspire hilarious memes and start silly Twitter Trends. For example, a big theme #trending this election is #AGENDADONNE, which is comical considering that out of what seems like thousands (millions!) of Italian Prime Minister candidates only a tiny percentage of them are women. Lolz, right?

Anyway, as someone who isn’t Italian, who isn’t voting, and who, let’s face it, only cares about ladies, I’m sure y’all want my advice on who to pick, so I’ve made a guide:

PICK YOUR PRIME MINISTER BASED ON WHO HE WOULD BE IF HE WERE A FEMALE CELEBRITY:



BERLUSCONI=LINDSAY LOHAN
The two have more in common than their orange glowing complexion! Like Lindsay, Berlusconi fell from grace, had legal trouble, and probably also a meth problem. Like Lindsay, he planned a huge comeback, accompanied by an enormous hype. Lindsay plays Elizabeth Taylor? Berlusconi is back on TV. Lindsay does a sex scene with a porn star? Berlusconi re-runs for office! But like most things that need to be hyped, neither comeback is working-nor is the Botox. I know you have a soft spot for Mean Girls but leave these two where they belong, which is in the past and maybe an “ironic” iTunes playlist.


GRILLO=AZEALIA BANKS
We all know that “independent” really means “insensitive asshole.” Like Azealia, Grillo is loud, rude, and demands all respect without expecting consequences for his actions. Azealia called Perez Hilton a “faggot” and Grillo called a 94 year old Nobel Peace Prize winner an “old whore.” Both were was surprised by the backlash,  probably because Azealia was used to being unconditionally-adored on Tumblr and Grillo was accustomed to getting off easy for manslaughter charges (oops). He’s an “ecologist” who owns a yacht and Ferarri and Azealia is a “feminist” who Tweets misogynistic ideals on the daily basis. Whatever, you ain’t their daddy, they do what they want!


BERSANI=TAYLOR SWIFT
Bersani is everything that’s acceptable about the left wing, aka totally lame. Approachable and popular, much like Miss Swift, he probably keeps a bedside diary to record his dreams and compose poems about heartbreak. Yes, he seems tame, but that being said, did you know that there are pictures of him smoking cigars on the internet? All over Google images! Only badasses and criminals smoke cigars and Bersani isn’t a criminal according to Wikipedia, so let’s just assume that he’s actually an undercover rebel. Just like sweet Taylor Swift is secretly a wanton sex-goddess slut! Who would have guessed?


MONTI=LANA DEL REY
Just two old-fashioned, old-money honeys trying to be hip and subversive. Lana tries to be cool by singing songs about running away, stealing shit and fucking her daddy, and though I’m not sure what Monti’s tactics are, I’m certain he would look great sipping a cold cherry coke in a white bikini on a shady spot by his sparkling swimming pool. 



GIANNINO-RIHANNA
Giannino and Rihanna are totally “out there” and so unpredictable! They look crazy because they are crazy, or at least are being managed by people with an interesting sense of humor. Rihanna gets beat up by her boyfriend and Giannino gets verbally beat-on by Berlusconi. Him and RiRi are a perfect match, which is more than what I can say about his outfits. 


I know I’ve left out a few (billion) candidates but in Italy it’s literally impossible to keep track of them all. I hope my guide has helped you, and remember, regardless of your political views, it’s imperative that you vote! Unless you’re stupid-in that case just stay home and make comments on VICE articles. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

RIRI AND HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED

So apparently the Grammys happened but I was too busy taking pictures of myself with My New Smart Phone (#followme) to notice but anyway just because I didn't watch it doesn't mean I don't read The News Perez Hilton and therefore doesn't mean I didn't see Rihanna snuggling up with He Who Shall Not Be Named. (Edit: I actually do name him later on in this post #oops #triggerwarning #YOLO).



Of course I blame Her Going Back To Him on the fact that she either a) has a mental illness b) is Trolling us c) is holding He Who Shall Not Be Named as an unpaid intern against his will and/or d) was abducted by aliens and is being controlled by Their Leader in a sick ploy to ruin Feminists via making them cry themselves to death. 



Either way, upon seeing these images I couldn't help imagining a few things I'd rather see RiRi cuddling with than HIM. Here are some examples:

1) A Can Of Beans
Beans Beans the magical fruit the more you eat the more you poop the more you poop the better you feel so avoid crappy men at every meal!



2) Lady Gaga's Wig
Unlike Chris Brown, this Brown Wig is into Beautiful People while keeping in mind that women are people, too. 



3) Me
Obviously.



4) A Maxi Pad
Prevents the spread of unwanted blood rather than causing it.



5) Over-Possessive Girlfriend
Possessive beats Abusive any day (pun intended).



6) A Bum
Shine Bright Like a Trash Can. 



7) Kim's Bum
Sigh.



8) Sifl and Olly
Giving a different meaning to "I'm gonna sock you in the face."



9) Scooby Snacks
It's been Scientifically Proven aka Shown on Seinfeld that women lose focus when they're sexually active with men-the male penis presence only distracts and de-motivates women, keeping them from getting shit done! Scooby Snacks, on the other hand, have been Scientifically Proven aka Shown on Scooby Doo Where Are You to have the opposite effect. Yum!



10) Anon H8rs
They only use fighting words.



The list goes on and on-what would you have rather seen Rihanna sitting next to at the Grammys? Give her suggestions and maybe she'll do better next time. 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

STAY IN SCHOOL CUZ IT'S THE BEST OR HOW TO BE A STUDENT

So I've told y'all I'm a Masters Student now but have I told y'all that I haven't finished Regular College yet? How can you be in Graduate School without a Bachelor's Degree? Well, this is Europe, and worse, Italy, and even worse, Milan, and EVEN WORSE, a Fashion School In Milan, meaning one can get a scholarship despite the fact that they missed almost every lesson (me) and waited till third year to give all their exams (me) simply because they wore cute outfits (moi). I officially graduate on the 6th of March, which gives me One More Month as an Undergraduate-Graduate Student. And, being in this strange, schooly position, I'd like to let y'all know what it means to be a Good Student and how to Get The Most from your studies, as I did:



1) DRESS TO IMPRESS
The only reason I haven't been expelled yet is because I've been wearing high-heels to school every day for the past four years. Dressing up not only shows that you Care About Academia via wanting it to think you're hot but also gives you an excuse for being late to every lesson. "I can't walk" doesn't go over well if you're in Sensible Shoes, and "I was held up via sexual harassment" isn't as convincing if you're in sweatpants.

2) SOCIALIZE
Your Fellow Students are worthless at best and your competition at worst so you should avoid them. But get friendly with the professors! They're the ones who can hook you up with connections, internships, jobs and those pre-paid vending machine cards. 

3) STUDY
Other people's answers. You never have to read a single art history book if you're at least smart enough to overhear the oral exam answers of your peers via "looking for your contact lense/tampon/food stamp" under their seats.



4) COMMIT
You have to invest Real Time on school if you want it to pay off! I've spent entire days on campus when I didn't even have class or in the cafeteria when I did have class, because that way, you're more Present. If people see you around all the time, they'll assume your'e a vital member of the Learning Community. (You are)!

5) GIVE BACK
Show your appreciation by recruiting new clients students, tipping the baristas and selling speed during exams.



6) LOVE
School is like a dog in that if you love it, it will love you back, even if it sometimes pees on your leg or makes you pay a 90 euro tax for graduation.

Happy Studies Y'all :)

TWEEN TALK

I've always thought that I was much smarter before I hit puberty. I was at my best and brightest right before I got my period, grew my [A cup] boobs and lost my virginity. Things were so clear! Things Made Sense. There were Eternal Truths not to be messed with. Like that the Backstreet Boys are better than NSYNC, Britney is hotter than Christina and only rich bitches wear khaki shorts from Abercrombie and Fitch. Don't you wish you could be a Sassy Tween again? I know I do. Unfortunately there's no way to get back your pre-teen self (or body! ugh), but there is a way to get advice from someone that age. Below my friend Dev and I get all that and more! (Fast forward for my part, Dev is totes boring) XOXO