I WANNA BE YOUR DOWNWARD FACING DOG

WILLOW SMITH X WONDERLAND

I interviewed Teen Dream Willow Smith for Wonderland! It's my first cover story and y'all should be proud of me because my mom is. I've copy/pasted it below though the link is above though I've copy/pasted it below...though the link is also above :)

My palms are sweating at Roc Nation and I’ve got nowhere to wipe them. Glass, steel and leather surround me and my polyester pants make palms worse. The blasting AC proves I’m not hot, just nervous, which happens when I’ve got time. I was fine in that lax chair at the entrance but my presence must have proved too pitiful for the public. Now I’m alone in a conference room, seated at an enormous pearl table. Stress overwhelms me as I draft a Tweet. A guy in a suit comes into the room to speak on his phone. He winks at me and walks out. I press delete. Moments after, a man in fancy sweats walks in, startled to see me. He leaves quickly, before I can beg him to stay. I review my notes. A blonde stops by to remind me that Willow is late. “Obama is in town and he’s causing traffic. You know how he is!” Do I ever! I go to the bathroom to gawk in the mirror and dry off my hands. The women roaming the halls are either in taut dresses with stilettos or baggy pants and hoodies. I feel myself killing their vibe. I retreat to my room and re-write my notes, in better handwriting. The page gets soaked. The blonde pops in to promise that “she’ll be in soon!”

An hour later, I’m taken down a white hallway through huge doors which reveal a plush space you know shit goes down in. Warm air blows gently through vents, a soothing voice bounces between speakers, velvet couches frame an obscenely panoramic view of Manhattan and sunlight slaps precious bottles of golden liquor I don’t dare touch near a minor.

Willow Smith opens her arms. Come here. We hug and she apologizes for making me wait. I say, now that you can blame the president for something, you’re practically an adult. “I always feel like an adult, since I’m always having revolutionary thoughts.” Her ideas are mature but her idealism is proof of her youth, which is always noted; two adults sit in as chaperones. “We’ll jump on you if you ask anything unacceptable.” Fair enough.

You know Willow is stunning on screen but in person she’s flawless. I know writing stuff like that is not only cliché, but harmful. I’m aware it promotes unrealistic standards, but she defies any standards I’ve ever been tortured by! Her eyes are fit for a tiger and her elongated limbs look capable of flying her through space. Appropriately, like some subculture superhero, she’s wearing head to toe black—ripped skintight jeans, a VFILES turtleneck, sneakers and a long, leather coat. “I love this coat because it makes me feel like Spike from Buffy.” I know she’s been watching Buffy because I follow her on Twitter. I also know that when she isn’t praising old shows, she’s spitting profundities.  

“The people who make commercials promoting good health are the same people making Cheetos.” Oct 13

“Being a leader in the 1970's is unlike anything a kid of the 21 century will ever experience in a lifetime.” Oct 7

“The most beautiful thing about life could very easily be perceived as the most unfortunate.” Sep 23

Where does a fourteen year old get this stuff? Does she find it in Marxist novels? Hypnotize it out of her parents? “I think a lot. That’s the main thing I do in my life. Twitter is the way I can tell the world exactly how I feel.” She’s been showing the world her potential since her acting debut in “I Am Legend” in 2007. Her music career followed in 2010 with the vibrant hit single, “I Whip My Hair.” She was the youngest artist to be signed to Jay-Z’s Roc Nation label and has since been dropping dreamy singles like “5,” featuring her brother, Jaden. Meanwhile, millions anticipate her next move.

I had control over a magazine’s Facebook page for a day and could barely handle the pressure. When I ask how she can resist the urge to troll her 3.8M followers, she asks, “what’s trolling?” When she was younger she wasn’t allowed on social media, so now she’s careful. “When I was nine I would have written things like, “life sucks!” That didn’t fly.” When she turned teen, she was set free online and landed her first Instagram scandal.

Her friend Aria posted an artistic photograph of himself on a bed with her. Though they were both clothed and clearly platonic, the fact that she was thirteen and he was twenty sent people through the roof. Sadly, their negativity was directed at Willow and her family. Her parents (Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith—duh) were investigated by child services of Los Angeles County. They were cleared of any suspicions, obviously, and handled it well, insisting that the public is perverted for assuming anything was wrong with their daughter’s behavior. Still, horrible comments lurk under her interviews, implying her attire and conduct is inappropriate. Somehow, the fact that such comments are wildly inappropriate themselves is lost on these people. The world has it out for girls; especially girls in the spotlight.

Willow once regretted her fame. She longed to feel what it’s like to go to a bookstore without having to call security. Luckily, she’s learning to love it. “When you’re famous, you have more of a voice to change the world. And that’s all I could ever ask for.”

“Girls and boys are put in boxes when they’re born.” Aug 8

An icon for androgynous fashion, she’s outspoken about gender issues. “Parents tell boys to go out and get dirty, climb trees and make mud pies, while girls have to stay in and play with dolls. And often it’s not the girls’ choice.” She explained, after reading “Gender Neutral Parenting.” She’s named after her father and her brother is named after their mother (did you ever catch that?). That’s just just a tiny glimpse at how well they’re being raised. Having such a progressive, supportive and loving family can guide a girl through what can be a troubling time. Studies have shown that while young girls mostly feel good about themselves, their self-esteem plummets at puberty. “I think that the reason why girls’ confidence falls during adolescence is because of [popular] music. It’s all about boobs and butts. That’s what they’re growing! They’re realizing that’s all they have to identify themselves with, and it’s mostly a negative connotation. So when they think of themselves and what’s happening to them, it automatically subconsciously makes them realize that rappers [and other men] are disrespecting them.”

“Women are systematically exploited by the system.” Aug 5

“I just went to see Gloria Steinem in Bell Hooks. It was an amazing experience. To see women that powerful on a stage, speaking their truth, is wow!” The unfortunate thing is that we still need to have those discussions at all. And a lot of pop stars and actresses fear owning up to the F Word. “People think ‘Feminist’ means ‘Man Hater.’ When I first got introduced to feminism, I was introduced to the idea of equality of the sexes.”

The world desperately needs someone like Willow to share such ideas through her art; the only question is when more will arrive. She’s taking her time. She notoriously pulled out of the re-make of Annie because she followed her instinct to focus on school. She says she has enough songs to release an album but doesn’t like them enough. That kind of honesty and intuition is rare. My peers and I are rushing to accomplish our goals and have a constant, overwhelming sense of “FOMO,” it’s a wonder someone can be so patient in the age of over-sharing.

“I believe that everything that has ever happened was meant to. If you’re somewhere but want to be somewhere else, you’re not experiencing where you are now. Each song I put out is about where I am and need to be. I take it step by step.” And that way she’ll end up with quality work. “My goal is to spread the message of consciousness shift and paradigm shift. We need to come to a point in the world where everything is running off of love. That’s what I’m trying to get to, that’s what I want to do with my music.”

Willow believes in meditation and limitless happiness, and knows it’s important to laugh. She cracked the world up with a viral Vine poking fun at her brother’s conspiracy theories. “My brother and I have such a good relationship because we aren’t forced to be with each other all the time.  Most siblings have to hang out and their parents are like, “you’ve got to love each other!” And they’re like, “dang, I don’t feel like it!” Jaden and I have had our separate lives. We do our own thing, we don’t question each other. We connect on a friend level.” They also respect each other as artists. “There’s things that he’s done that the world has never heard. I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to see how they will react.”

“I have many things to learn, and conditionings to understand.” Aug 21

This issue’s theme is Eternal Youth. What does she hope to hold onto as she grows? “I feel like, when you grow up, it’s the conditionings, the things people teach you that hold you back. Like, “I’ve got to be serious now! I’ve got to pay taxes!” Without those conditionings, you can be free and be yourself. That’s what will carry me through my life. I’m here to change the world and be a servant to the great divine and I’ll carry that path. My life is meditation, crystals, self-improvement and art.”

It’s good to have a desired path but it’s also important to accept transition which transcends hairstyles. “Flexibility with yourself and with your looks shows self-confidence. You’re willing to paint on your canvas with whatever comes from within you. I love doing whatever with my hair to shock the world. People have such eyes on my family that when you do something out of this world, it’s such a big deal, and I like that!” For the record, her hair is short and blonde as I write this, though it most likely won’t be by the time you read.

Her and Jaden have stressed how school isn’t as important as living life. I always felt that way so I always skipped school, but is it possible to balance both? “It’s gotten to the point where the youth needs to realize their power. With realizing their power comes realizing what’s not good for them and realizing which rules people are enforcing on them aren’t letting them grow. For kids who are in school and trying to understand themselves and their spirituality, it’s difficult. I went to school for one year and I was like, now I understand.”

Like most teens, Willow spends the time she isn’t planning revolutions on Tumblr. She even checks up on her fans. “I visit their blogs and read everything they write me. They make art for me and I enjoy it so much! I love being connected to them.” Her Tumblr ‘about me’ reads, “I think of myself as an extension of source energy - always gathering information, spreading love and being free.”

The adults clear their throats and my time is up. We hug and she tells me something generous and I believe it. With many young artists or “stars-in-the-making,” you can predict what will come of them, or at least assume what they hope to become. With Willow, you have freaking clue. Even when you stare into those emoji eyes you can only guess she’ll surprise us all.

“Guess I was born to make mistakes. But, I'm not scared to pave the way.” Aug 29

Oh, I almost forgot. Of course I asked if she ever uses her dad’s famous song against him.  “About a week ago I told my mom, “parents just don’t understand” and I wished my dad could have been there. It was the first time I had ever said it, which is surprising.”

BLONDS HAVE MORE FUNDS

HARD ON FOR HOOLYWOOD

I missed the N.HOOLYWOOD runway because of bad traffic and by that I mean shirtless male models. The designer met with me afterwards so I could squeeze in an interview and avoid getting fired. He was really sweet, according to his translator. Watch if you love stylish subtitles :@)

VENUSX and LUAR ZEPOL

Backstage at Luar Zepol they had pizza, candy and glamorous gusts like VenusX, [the other] Prince and the Candy Kids creator! I got to chat with them all while riding a sugar rush. Czech it out y'all!

YOUTUBE OR NOT YOUTUBE

Hey y'all! Does your grandma know about Youtube? I'm kidding, of course I'm subscribed to her channel! Hemorrhoid Cream Dream Cake is one of my faves! Anyway, my boss didn't know that Vimeo  is a dead site created for ball-breaking-video-makers who hate the concept of views. That's where Bullett TV was hosting my stuff for months while I silently cried on the inside (JK, I do all my crying loudly and publicly). After arguing and fighting and eventually winning my battle ~of the sexes~ I was able to create our first Youtube Channel *applause* so now you've got to subscribe so I can prove to my boss that we Did The Right Thing. Watch the latest Everything is Embarrassing episodes (and re-watch them and re-re-watch them) as well as some new Fashion WEAK interviews!! 

How are y'all doing? On a scale from one to the Backstreet Boys how much do you miss me?

EVERYTHING IS EMBARRASSING WITH TWIN SHADOW!

EVERYTHING IS EMBARRASSING WITH CAKES DA KILLA!

Everything is Embarrassing With Cakes Da Killa from BULLETT MEDIA on Vimeo.

SEXERCISM

We've all been there: you can't get someone out of your head so you let someone else into your bed with some warm bread and y'all play dead and while giving head? IDK what the kids are doing these days but I do know that SEXERCISM is a common practice, especially during men's fashion week. Check it out in my WOVO series below!

EVERYTHING IS EMBARRASSING

Neglecting a blog is kind of like leaving a boyfriend. 

You're full of heartbreak and regret. You're losing your sense of self and purpose. You should just forget, yet there he is, taunting you on your bookmarks. I miss posting on here daily but not doing so has helped me be able to do other stuff, like write a book nobody will publish, get my roots done every three weeks and create a show for Bullett TV!

The first episode is with Petra Collins and it's super awkward.



I'll post the rest of the episodes here, too, so I hope the three of y'all that still follow me here appreciate it, since writing this post brought up some gnarly Post-Traumatic-Blogging-Disorder.

PS: I'm also werqing on a new video series for WOVO, check that out here:

VIDEO HONEY PT TWO

Hey y'all here's my second video for WIRED! New York is cold and I'm feeling old this fashion week, running on icy toes. Can anyone find me a publisher, please? 

WIRED VIDEO HONEY PART ONE

As Beyonce knows some things are meant to be kept secret and as I know other things become secret by default because they're restricted to an iPad application nobody wants to pay for.

Since September I've been making monthly videos to go along my monthly Action! column for Wired Italy, though I'm sure most of y'all don't know that since the column has always been in print (in Italy and Italian) and the videos are on the iPad application even I don't have.

Anywhoo after pleading the Wired dudes have finally agreed to start showing my old videos on their website and here's the first.

You may not understand the Italian but fart sounds are a universal language. 




You're welcome. 


PS: I've been in NYC almost a week and I'm not famous yet what gives? 

WHAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A HYPOCRITE BEFORE

I'm back online with a new article for VICE Italy, here's the english version:

“You can’t outsmart life,” my ex says at dinner. He and his friend got babies and insist I will, too. “You don’t control your destiny.” If there’s one thing I control, it’s my body. The weather’s freezing but I’m nearly naked because admiration keeps me warmer than fur. And I’m starving but ignoring my salad so I can get wasted. “Most women can’t fight for a lifestyle and men stand for nothing so they let mistakes determine their future. But I’ve got a plan, and it’s all me.” I declare, pouring too much vinegar on my food so I won’t be tempted by it. “That’s what all girls say, see you in ten years, mom!”

Why must men insist on ruining my buzz with their midlife crises? When the old ones can no longer use your body as a means to escape their reality they try to drag you down with them. I stumble to the bathroom to stare in the mirror for ten minutes and promise my reflection to do whatever I can to prove them wrong. And to invest in anti-wrinkle cream because I turn twenty-five in the morning.

“You look ready for rape,” another ex greets me. He’s charming as ever, meanwhile my crush is avoiding me, the girl I’m here for disappeared with him and I have an exam in the morning. I’ll outsmart life, starting with this dinner. I escape, call a cab and study until daylight. Despite everyone I feel invincible and ready to conquer my next year as a brave, ruthless vixen! (If I pass Art History).

Are you taking control in 2014? Is your first resolution to stop drinking, as soon as you finish the bottles leftover from the NYE party you threw and nobody came to? Second, to find more reliable friends? Third, you’re buying new running shoes online this instant! You know which workout to do at the gym you can’t afford a membership to, since you spent all your money at Nike. Fifth resolution, be responsible with finances. Good for you. But if the shoes don’t fit you can be a hypocrite. Take it from me, it isn’t so bad if it happens slowly. I’m twenty-six now, and I can say I’ve kept one of the promises from that mirror at dinner: my skin is flawless.

“In order to reach my potential, I must remain single. I’ve dedicated my life to empowering girls. I will continue to ruin my reputation and therefore any chance of a relationship for their sake. I’ll work hard to become rich and famous enough to help them. That’s all I care about.” A boy asked about my goals as a feminist and I’m telling him, yelling, slamming my fists and making him uncomfortable, or so I thought. Maybe not, or now he wouldn’t be my husband.

If you must know, the wedding was in Malibu. A small reception, like Hole’s music video, with less nipples and more moms. I kept it secret, like Beyoncé’s album. For the record, my hair was perfect. My only regret is having deprived y’all from my prep tips, like how to lose ten pounds in two days (laxatives), which dresses hide Writer’s Ass (I’ll explain later), what to do if your period arrives on The Big Day (cancel the ceremony) and which mascara is best for crying (Lancôme).

Wait, didn’t I write an article against marriage, declaring it useless and anti-feminist? Yes, I also wrote about how shitty New York is and now I’ve moved here. So? I know the only creative people making it are selling their asses to do so, but it’s the only place I can sign my name on the Fame Waiting List and get invited to Lena Dunham’s pizza parties. When did my hypocrisy start? Probably when I resolved to be more slutty in 2013, only to end up in the most important monogamous relationship of my life.

I thought San Francisco was a great idea. I moved across the street from the Armory where Kink.com porn is filmed and as that was my favorite site, I considered it a sign. But when I went inside it was Eyes Wide Shut if the cloaks were replaced with furry hats, the models swapped with Twitter Execs and Tom Cruise couldn’t stop dropping “Burning Man.” That was just foreshadowing. Everyone in town was so sloppy my style slowly deteriorated from Mafia Mistress on Holiday to Librarian on Laundry Day. Meanwhile, the little cash I had was sucked into the pockets of homeless crack heads and my self-esteem flew out the window.

I took three months off from my blogs and this column to write a book, an experience I don’t wish on anyone. Someone once joked that authors are writers too ugly for television. But what came first, the ugly or the process? I spent most days crusted in soy sauce, showering only to change into different pajamas, developing what I call Writer’s Ass, a pancake between your legs and back, as a result of constant sitting. I mourned my butt and missed my blogs. Not getting immediate feedback I’m used to online, I felt in the dark, unappreciated and totally irrelevant, probably like the other members of Destiny’s Child did.

Speaking of pop stars, comparing yourself to them is an easy way to track your own progress. Beyoncé sings, “I took some time to live my life, don’t think I’m just his little wife” so we’re on the same page. Britney’s making a comeback in Vegas, and I feel her. We both must reclaim what we own, remind our fans why they love it (hence all the links before, you’re welcome) and knock down whoever’s gotten in our way since. It’s hard to do, if you’ve changed. Like Gaga, I’ve been wearing comfortable shoes and getting too close to nature. She once proclaimed she’d rather die than let her fans see her in flats, and now she’s barefoot. If you can’t practice what you preach, who are you?

The difference between being single and having a boyfriend is when you’re at a bar you don’t spend the whole time looking around desperately for a dick to sit on and can focus on drinking instead. The difference between that and being married is you don’t go to the bar, you ask your husband to bring a glass with ice in it because the bottle’s already in bed with you. What I’m saying is, you can’t outsmart life, but if you’re smart you can keep the right parts about yourself alive regardless.

PS: No, I’m not pregnant. But if I ever am I’ll drink for two.